


Squad up!

by Immiams



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Bisexual Matt Holt, Christmas, Crack, Drunk Texting, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gay Disaster Keith (Voltron), Gay Shiro (Voltron), Group chat, Happy Ending, Lance and Keith fight, Lotor has beautiful hair, Lotura - Freeform, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pidge is a raging lesbian, Recreational Drug Use, Shatt, Slow Burn, Texting, Vine references for days, allura is a queen, groupchat, hunk makes delicious cookies, klance, lance gets roasted 24/7 but they all love him, no literally it’s like reading a vine compilation, shiro hates this fucking family, vld
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-08-24 07:33:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immiams/pseuds/Immiams
Summary: Not a vegan: who’s emo boy?Paige: The hot guy in Lance’s Astro class. Lance has been swooning over him for weeks but he won’t just go and ask him his nameLonce: I’m scared he’s gonna stab me. HE HAS RESTING BITCH FACE!Not a vegan: what’s he look like?Lonce: hawtLonce: He has dark hair and these terrifyingly beautiful violet eyesNot a vegan: interesting...Allura Altea added Keith Kogane





	1. Just a bunch of lemons

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back on my bullshit! Adding another fix that I’ll probably never finish writing. Enjoy!

[3:12pm] > welcome to bible studies

Lover boy: Guys! Guys! Guys!

Paige: is this your interior monologue but in physical form?

Honk Honk: minus the drooling

Lover boy: shut up I made a friend today. She’s in my class and I told her I would introduce her to you

Paige: why would she want to know us?

Lover boy: I gave her one of Hunks cookies and she wants recipes STAT

Paige: typical

Honk Honk: I feel honoured 

Lover boy: I’m adding her!

Paige: Wait who is she?

Lover boy: she’s cool

Lance McClain added Allura Altea

Allura: Oh hi Lance! These must be the friends you told me about.

Honk Honk: oh my god

———————————————————

[3:20pm] Hunkalicious >> Lancelot

Hunkalicious: ALLURA ALTEA LIKES MY COOKIES?

Lancelot: told you she’s cool

———————————————————

[3:21pm] >> welcome to bible studies

Paige: Lance has friends?

Honk Honk: I think that’s us

Honk Honk: Allura, if I knew you liked my cookies earlier I would’ve sent you a batch in the mail this morning

Allura: wow you really are a child of Jesus 

Paige: You quoted the vine of the day! You owe us a random fact!

Allura: I What?

Lover boy: the name of the group chat is the vine of the day. If you quote it on its day you owe us a random fact about yourself. It’s tradition

Allura: oooh Okay! This sounds fun!

Allura: my random fact is I’m a vegan

Hunk changed Allura’s name to: Vegan

Paige: BLOCKED

Vegan: I’m just kidding I’m not a vegan

Hunk changed Allura’s name to: Not a vegan

Paige: UNBLOCKED

Lover boy: I feel betrayed. You owe us a TRUE fact!

Not a vegan: I gave you a fact! I’m not vegan!

Lover boy: she’s sneaky! That’s the kind of stuff that really butters my egg roll

Paige: @ Allura watch out he’s a thirsty thot

Not a vegan: Oh I know. We’ve met.

Paige: you poor soul I’m sorry for your loss

Not a vegan: Thank you for your sincerity 

Lover boy: I can’t believe you’ve done this

Allura: wow I feel like I’m watching a vine compilation right now. Shiro kicks me out when I start quoting vines so this is a relief.

Honk Honk: you mean Shiro as in the Takashi Shirogane?

Allura: the one and only

Honk Honk: Omg I’ve always wanted to talk to that guy! He’s like a legend at this college

Lover boy: he’s perhaps the most attractive person I’ve ever seen

Not a vegan: agreed

Not a vegan: I can introduce you to him if you give me a cookie :b

Honk Honk: I’ll give you three cookies if you add him in the group

Allura Altea added Takashi Shirogane

Honk Honk: the cookies are on their way. Thank you for your service

Not a vegan: it’s been nice doing business with you 

Not a vegan: Shiro these are my new friends they like vines Say hi

Takashi: hi

Lover boy: *swoons*

Honk Honk: hi! I love your work

Takashi: thanks.. I guess?

Honk Honk: you’re welcome!

Paige: oh no it’s Shiro

Takashi: Pidge? Okay this is weird

Paige: You’re telling me! Hey are you with Matt right now?

Takashi: Yeah

Paige: can you tell him I ate his Mac and cheese

Takashi: He says he’s coming for you 

Lover boy: Pidge you know Shiro?

Paige: he’s friends with Matt

Takashi: unfortunately

Lover boy: wow I feel betrayed

Takashi: well it’s been nice meeting you guys but I have a class to get to.

Not a vegan: me too. Ttyl

Lover boy: Byyeeeeee

Honk Honk: they seemed nice

———————————————————

[5:16] Hunk >> Allura

Hunk: I’m making the cookies right now

Allura: Hunk you’re an angel!

Allura: I still need that recipe though

Hunk: You doing anything right now?

Allura: nup 

Hunk: you wanna come over? I can show you how to make them

Allura: Omg really?

Hunk: for sure

Allura: I’m on my way! Where you at?

Hunk: dorm 27, 3rd floor

Allura: DONT START WITHOUT ME

Hunk: WHATS TAKING YOU SO LONG

Allura: IM HOING AS FAST AS I CAN

Allura: LITTLE PIG LITTLE PIG LET ME IN

———————————————————

[5:42pm] Not a vegan >> welcome to bible studies

Not a vegan: [sent a photo]

Not a vegan: Hunk is best boyfriend material

Lover boy: get out of my house!

Not a vegan: wow

Honk Honk: Allura’s my new best friend, sorry Lance

Honk Honk: Lonce*

Not a vegan: Stop it!

Paige: I’m lost

Honk Honk: Allura pronounces Lance’s name ‘Lonce’

Paige: oh my dear is she British?

Allura: yos 

Hunk changed Lance’s name to Lonce

Lonce: noice

Lonce: I can’t believe you guys are hanging out without me!

Honk Honk: YOU HAVE A CLASS

Lonce: and it’s boring as heck

Lonce: the only upside is emo boy is looking fine as fuck today

Honk Honk: here we go 

Lonce: He tied his hair up and I had a gay moment

Paige: that’s like your tenth Gay moment this week

Honk Honk: you have a problem dude

Not a vegan: who’s emo boy?

Paige: The hot guy in Lance’s Astro class. Lance has been swooning over him for weeks but he won’t just go and ask him his name 

Lonce: I’m scared he’s gonna stab me. HE HAS RESTING BITCH FACE!

Not a vegan: what’s he look like?

Lonce: hawt

Lonce: He has dark hair and these terrifyingly beautiful violet eyes

Not a vegan: interesting...

Allura Altea added Keith Kogane

Not a vegan: Keith’s in astronomy class right now. Lance, have you met Keith?

Honk Honk: wow he is attractive

Not a vegan: He’s also Shiro’s little brother 

Honk Honk: makes sense

Paige: Lance just mysteriously dissappeared

Takashi: Allura he’s going to kill you

Not a vegan: good 

———————————————————

[5:53pm] Lance >> Allura

Lance: what have you done?!

Allura: God’s work

———————————————————

 

[6:45pm] >> welcome to bible studies

Keith Kogane left the group

Allura Altea added Keith Kogane

Not a vegan: oh no you don’t 

Keith: What is this?

Not a vegan: these are my new friends

Paige: Hi Keith! I’ve heard a lot about you... from a couple of different sources... ;)

Keith: that’s concerning..

Paige: all good things of course!

Keith: still concerning

Honk Honk: Hey man I’m Hunk! Ignore Pidge she’s weird.

Paige: Hey!!! >:(

Honk Honk: oh hi Pidge didn’t see you there!

Paige: go suck on a lemon

Keith: can anyone tell me why I’m on this random group chat?

Not a vegan: Lance said he has astronomy class with you so I thought yo guys should be friends :))

Keith: who’s Lance?

Lonce: that would be me

Keith: are you sure we have class together? I don’t recognise your face..

Lonce: wow

Paige: SHOT DOWN

Lonce: this was a mistake

Lonce: feel free to leave the chat

Keith Kogane left the group

Allura Altea added Keith Kogane

Keith Kogane left the group

Paige: anyone else not expect this Thursday night to be this entertaining?

———————————————————

[6:49pm] Allura >> Keith

Allura: stop leaving the group!

Keef: STOP ADDING ME BACK IN

Allura: NO

Keef: I DONT EVEN KNIW THESE PEOPLE

Allura: THEN GET TO LNOW THEM

Keef: NO

Allura: YES

Keef: NO

Allura: YES

———————————————————

[6:52pm] Allura >> Welcome to bible studies 

Allura Altea added Keith Kogane

Keith Kogane left the group

Allura Altea added Keith Kogane

Keith Kogane left the group

Paige: something tells me he doesn’t want to be in the group

Takashi: Allura leave him alone

Not a vegan: no!

Allura Altea added Keith Kogane

Allura changed Keith’s name to: stay boy

Not a vegan: now you’ve been nicknamed you have to stay.

Not a vegan: Keef only left all those times because he’s shy and doesn’t know you guys.

Not a vegan: we should all introduce our selves. I’ll go first! My names Allura and my favourite colour is pink

Honk Honk: My names Hunk and my favourite colour is Yellow

Paige: my names Pidge and I can shoot threes! LETS GOOOOOO

Honk Honk: love the vine reference

Paige: I try my best

Takashi: hey I’m Shiro, I’m your brother.

Not a vegan: Lance I know you’re creepin 

Lonce: I’m Lance and I’m super surprised you don’t know who I am.

Stay boy: I guess you’re just not as special as you think you are.

Paige: I like this guy! Please stay, boy!

Stay boy: I’m Keith and Allura is dead to me

Not a vegan: that’s the spirit!

Not a vegan: Wait...

Lonce: Please feel free to leave the group again

Stay boy: sorry I’ve been nicknamed I’m obliged to stay now

Not a vegan: good boy!

Stay boy: actually...

Paige: no stay! I cooked all this popcorn so I could watch you roast Lance!

Honk Honk: Lonce*

Honk Honk: you got enough popcorn to share?

Paige: That’s so random you know I actually just ran out

Honk Honk: No cookies for you then

Paige: :’(

Not a vegan: more for me!

———————————————————

[7:01pm] Hunkalicious >> Lancelot

Hunkalicious: why are you moping? :(

Lancelot: I’m not moping

Hunkalicious: you’ve been staring at the wall for twenty minutes

Lancelot: not moping

Hunkalicious: What’s wrong?

Lancelot: ...

Lancelot: Emo boy’s a douche

Lancelot: A hot douche

Hunkalicious: because he didn’t know who you were?

Lancelot: We’ve been in the same class for two months!

Hunkalicious: and yet you didn’t know his name

Hunkalicious: besides.. he’ll know who you are now

Lancelot: and he hates me!

Hunkalicious: he doesn’t hate you

Hunkalicious; I thought you liked Allura now anyway

Lancelot: Hunk she’s a lesbian

Hunkalicious: This explains so much

Lancelot: why is the best fruit always forbidden?

Hunkalicious: are you quoting Cardi B

Lancelot: Yeah 

Hunkalicious: oh buddy :,(

Hunkalicious: come over here and give me a hug

———————————————————

[7:38] Lance >> welcome to bible studies

Lonce: Hunk is a Cardi B hater. Keep your distance my friends

Paige:...

Honk Honk: Just spit it out

Paige: BLOCKED

Honk Honk: I don’t condone women who behave in such a way

Honk Honk: or anyone as a matter of fact

Paige: you know there’s conspiracies that she’s a part of the Illuminati 

Lonce: not this crap again

Paige: I HAVE EVIDENCE

Stay boy: is your evidence a Shane Dawson YouTube video?

Paige: among others

Paige: you watch Shane Dawson?

Stay boy: Of course

Paige: see I knew we were meant to be friends

Lonce: oh no not another conspiracy theorist

Paige: You believe in aliens!

Lonce: aliens make sense unlike the Illuminati and Bigfoot and the lochness monster

Paige: Choose your next words wisely

Lonce: Bigfoot is a hoax!

Pidge Holt removed Lance McClain from the group

Paige: he can come back once he’s learned some manners

———————————————————

[7:42pm] Lance >> Pidge

Blue balls: Piiiiidge let me back in!

Gremlin: No. you can stew in your mistakes

Blue balls: Pidgeeeeeeeeeeee

———————————————————

[6:55am] Pidge >> welcome to bible studies

Pidge Holt added Lance McClain

Lance changed his name to: Hawt stuff

Pidge changed Lance’s name to: Douche canoe

Douche Canoe: wow real original, Gremlin.

Paige: Shut up you’re gonna be late

Douche Canoe: Fine

Douche Canoe: I choose.... “welp, when life gives you lemons..”

Pidge Holt set the group name to: When life gives you lemons

Paige: excellent choice

Douche Canoe: For the newbies: the group chat name is the vine of the day. If you quote the vine of the day you owe one random fact about yourself.

Stay boy: do we get a prize if we use it ironically?

Douche Canoe: most ironic use of the vine gets bragging rights I guess.

Stay boy: Lame. Needs more competition

Paige: welp, Keith, when life gives you lemons..

Paige: My random fact is that I got up and 6am today for no reason

Douche Canoe: Pidge is in the lead

Douche Canoe: 6am? That’s brutal bro

Paige: says the one who has a class at 7:30am

Douche Canoe: True. Bye Felicia’s!

Paige: Later Lance! You won’t be missed.

Honk Honk: Lance I love you and I will miss you!

Douche Canoe: these are the people I’ve decided to call my friends

Honk Honk: welp... when life gives you lemons

Shiro: you make lemonade?

Paige: Shiro... buddy

Honk Honk: Random fact, I love Lance!

Douche Canoe: okay I know I said I’m leaving but love you too babe! Xx

Honk Honk: xx

———————————————————

[9:17am] Pidge >> when life gives you lemons

Paige: I

Paige: NEED

Paige: COFFEE

Douche Canoe: Me too! Starbucks?

Paige: I’ll be there in 5

Douche Canoe: where are you?

Paige: Dorm

Douche Canoe: it’s?? A fifteen minute walk???

Paige: and a five minute sprint

Douche Canoe: Weird flex but okay

Lance changed Pidge’s name to: Usain Holt

Not a vegan: Oooh can I come!

Douche Canoe: Yessssss! Get over here girl!

Not a vegan: Yay! Can I bring a friend?

Douche Canoe: the more the merrier 

———————————————————

[9:25am] Lance >> when life gives you lemons

Douche Canoe: [sent a photo]

Douche Canoe: Can confirm she did run here.

Usain Holt: I’m sweating out of my ass

Douche Canoe: tmi

Not a vegan: Pidge, that’s a big fat mood. And we’re here!

———————————————————

[10:27am] Lance >> when life gives you lemons

Douche Canoe: Turns out “can I bring a friend?” Actually means “I’m bringing Takashi Shirogane.”

Lance set Takashi’s name to: What’s vine?

What’s vine?: I know what vine is, Lance!

Douche Canoe: quote one right now

What’s vine?: Hi welcome to chillis

Usain Holt: Hi my name’s Chelsea. What’s your favourite dinner food?

Not a vegan: what up I’m Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how to read

Douche Canoe: NUT

Honk Honk: road work ahead? Well yeah.. I sure hope it does.

Douche Canoe: I’m washing me and my clothes bitch. I’m washing me and my clothes.

Usain Holt: bitch I see you creepin

Stay boy: sigh

Stay boy: I love how people are telling me I’m like two... nine years old. I’m ELEVEN so shut the fuck up!

Douche Canoe: now a moment of silence for the loss of our lord and saviour: Vine.

Douche Canoe: moment over. You’ll forever be in our hearts xx

Honk Honk: now I’m sad

Not a vegan: Vine was the best

Stay boy: taken from us too soon :(

Honk Honk: right. She died so young.

Douche Canoe : wow now I’m depressed. Thanks guys!

Not a vegan: let’s change the subject so my mascara doesn’t run away with my tears.

Not a Vegan: I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a while so.. Lance, Hunk, Pidge. You guys seem super close. How’d you all meet?

Douche Canoe: it’s a truly beautiful story!

Honk Honk: can I tell it?

Douche Canoe: go ahead

Honk Honk: so it’s the first day of high school and I’m eating my lunch in the cafeteria with my friends and all of a sudden this long twig of a boy walks into the cafeteria, gets up on one of the tables and shouts “I’m all out of-“ and then he slipped off the table and landed on his ass.

Usain Holt: and cried like a little bitch

Douche Canoe: HDsjsjsjsjxjdhnOa

Douche Canoe: she said how we met. Not the first time you saw my sexy ass

Usain Holt: Yeah sure if bruised tailbone’s are sexy.

Not a vegan: okay but was the “I’m all out of-“ going to be an “I’m all out of faith this is how I feel” Or an “I’m all out of love. I’m so lost without you” ?? Asking for a friend

Honk Honk: that’s the beauty of it. No one knows.

Douche Canoe: ANYWAY. Seeing as no one else is going to tell the story correctly I’ll do it myself

Douche Canoe: it was a warm summers evening-

Usain Holt: it was the middle of winter you twat!

Douche Canoe: it was the middle of winter. I was playing soccer with my many friends that I had back then. Whoops don’t mean to brag there it just slipped out.

Honk Honk: fake but continue

Douche Canoe: anyway this kid on the team -total asshat if you ask me- kicked the ball super hard and in the complete wrong direction and whacked Hunk -who was walking to class- right in the snoz.

Usain Holt: I wish I’d been there to hear the cronch!

Honk Honk: gross

Douche Canoe: being the handsome and thoughtful young devil I am, I went to go see if he was okay. And Hunk was a tough little bitch but holy shit there was so much blood.

Usain Holt: all the vamps in the area came running 

Douche Canoe: so I took Hunk to the nurses office to get fixed up and that’s where we met a small gremlin who was getting stitched up after SHE TRIED TO STAPLE HER FINGERS TOGETHER. We talked we laughed we cried and we forged a great bond.

Not a vegan: that’s extraordinary

Usain Holt: my sarcasm meter is fucking skyrocketing!

Douche Canoe: mine too

Honk Honk: Anyway now Pidge and I are buddies and Lance is okay I guess

Not a vegan: I’m glad you guys found eachother 

Douche Canoe: Okay? I’m amazing %|€]!|!£,!\£\\!

Honk Honk: He’s like a leech. He just hangs on

Douche Canoe: kinky ;)

Stay boy: so what are you two like a thing?

Honk Honk: HAHAHAHAHA! 

Honk Honk: No.

Douche Canoe: Hunk and I are roommates

Stay boy: Oh my god they were roommates

Douche Canoe: I like and dislike you a little bit more for that comment 

Stay boy: so you still hate me?

Douche Canoe: yes

Stay boy: good

———————————————————

[1:05pm] Pidge >> Keith

Pidge: Have you seen Shane Dawson’s new video?

Keith: uhhh.. not yet?

Pidge: look I know we barely know each other and you seem super flighty but did you wanna come over and watch it?

Keith: oh

Keith: isn’t that weird? I’ve never even talked to you in real life?

Pidge: first of all texting is real life!

Pidge: second how do you ever expect to make friends with that attitude?

Keith: shit you’re right!

Pidge: so are you coming?

Keith: Okay. Where are you?

Pidge: it’s hard to find I’ll call you and explain.

Keith: Okay 

Pidge: [Is calling]

Call ended [3:45mins]

———————————————————

[4:20pm] Pidge >> When life gives you lemons

Usain Holt: shit just got real deep in the Holt household holy shit

Douche Canoe: America explain?!

Usain Holt: It just took Keith and I 2 hours to watch a 20 minute conspiracy video. We investigated the shit outta this bitch!

Usain Holt: which reminds me..

Pidge Holt changed Keith’s name to: Mothman5eva

Mothman5eva: I told you that in good faith!

Usain Holt: you thought wrong bitch

Keith changed Pidge’s name to: Scully

Scully: holy shkansubshhssjsb

Pidge changed Keith’s name to: Mulder

Scully: we’re off to watch some buzzfeed unsolved. Later losers!

Honk Honk: oh thank god they’re gone 

Douche Canoe: quick everybody summons your good vibes to get rid of the nerd stench!

Honk Honk: good vibes: summoned

Scully: blocked & reported

———————————————————

[5:30pm] Pidge >> Lance

Gremlin: jsbsisbsksndj

Blue balls: Are you choking? Are you choking?

Gremlin: Dude Keith is so cool!!!

Blue balls: No! He’s mean!

Gremlin: He is a little bit but so is Hunk and you still love him

Blue balls: Hunk is the purest ray of sunlight to ever shine on this earth. You’re the mean one

Gremlin: oh right my b

Gremlin: still, you like me don’t ya

Blue balls: sometimes

Gremlin: then you’ll like Keith sometimes too

Blue balls: :/

Gremlin: and you’re right, he’s extremely attractive in person! Like I usually don’t pay attention to that kind of stuff but daaaang

Blue balls: right? It’s not FAIR

Gremlin: You should come hang out with us tomorrow. We’re studying together in the library but I’m bringing snacks so...

Gremlin: You in?

Blue balls: sch...schnacks?

Gremlin: schnacks

Blue balls: I’ll do it for the schnakcks!

Gremlin: fuck yeah!

———————————————————

[5:50pm] Lance >> when life gives you lemons

Honk Honk: Here I am in your life

Douche Canoe: Here you are in minnneeeee

Honk Honk: yes we have a sweet life

Douche Canoe: most of the TIMMMMMEEEE

Honk Honk: you and me we got the world to see 

Scully: SO COME ON DOWNNNNNN

Douche Canoe: me and you know what do

Scully: SO COME ON DOWNNNNN

Honk Honk: Lance and I are watching The suite life of Zach and Cody and it’s just as good as it was when we were kids

Douche Canoe: better

Scully: IM COMING OVER RIGHT NOW

———————————————————

[6:03pm] Shiro >> Keith

Dad: You?? Hung out at Pidge’s today????

Son: maybe??

Dad: you?? Made a friend????

Son: Hey! I have friends!

Dad: you’re only friends with Matt and Allura because I had to drag you along whenever we hung out cause I felt bad for you

Son: Wow.

Dad: I’m so proud of you Keith!

Son: thanks dad

Son: I’m hanging out with her tomorrow too but she invited Lance and now I a little bit don’t want to go

Dad: because Lance is the noisy Spanish boy from astronomy class with the perfect skin and the beautiful blue eyes! And you know you’re going to turn into an awkward babbling mess as soon as you see him

Son: that is not how I explained him to you!

Dad: I met up with him today and he’s seems cool. There’s nothing to worry about he’ll just talk your ear off.

Son: sounds like a fun time

Dad: you wont know until you try

Dad: also, I can’t believe you told him you didn’t know who he was. That was brutal.

Son: I couldn’t tell him I knew who he was! Then he’d know I was staring at him all the time 

Dad: :))))))

Dad: Okay you’re going to have to tell me EVERYTHING that happens tomorrow. I’m officially invested

Son: not gonna happen

———————————————————

[9:54pm] Hunk >> Pidge

Hunkadunk: Lance is so nervous for tomorrow and it’s making me laugh

Pidgeon: lol what’s he doing

Hunkadunk: he’s spent the last hour trying to pick out an outfit

Pidgeon: that’s normal for him isn’t it 

Hunkadunk: tru

Hunkadunk: but he’s never done it with such vigour! He’s thrown his clothes all over our bedroom

Hunkadunk: HALF OF THEM ARE ON MY BED

Hunkadunk: that’s it I’m going to smack him

Pidgeon: make sure it leaves a mark

Hunkadunk: Oh my god Pidge!


	2. Free real estate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance: is there anything better than pussy?
> 
> Keith: yes a really good dicc
> 
> Lance: *synths on the piano*
> 
> Honk Honk: is this really what you wanted to say?
> 
> Lance: yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shsbsjsnshshbs! I did not expect such a huge response for this fic! 100 kudos in the first day? That’s insane!!! Thank you all so much for the love and especially the beautiful comments some of you left like wow! I was smiling the whole time when I was reading them !¡ any way I was so inspire to write this chapter so it’s here after only two days wtf??! Don’t expect such quick updates in the future this is just some kind of miracle

[6:59am] Lance >> When life gives you lemons

Douche Canoe: It’s free real estate 

Scully: you’re a minute early bitch!

Pidge changed the group name to: It’s free real estate

Douche Canoe: I believe in punctuality 

Honk Honk: you were 10 hours late to my bar mitzvah

Douche Canoe: not important

Scully: why was I not invited, Hunk?

Mulder: more importantly why was your bar mitzvah more than 10 hours long?

Honk Honk: We Party Hard In This House

Not a vegan: why is everyone always awake so early in the god damn morning!? I’m trying to sleeeep!

Scully: Sleep? I don’t know about sleep??? It’s summer time!

Not a vegan: go to bed

Scully: oh she caught me

Honk Honk: only reason I’m awake is because I have a class :’(

Honk Honk: Actually that’s not true, Lance is picking up where he left off last night and throwing his panties and other clothing around the room. He’s been at it since 5:30am

Douche Canoe: Dont out me like this!

Honk Honk: too late

Not a vegan: okay now I’m curious.. why is Lance throwing panties around the room?

Honk Honk: he has a study date with Keith ;)

Not a vegan: OOowo??

Douche Canoe: Shut up both of you!

Scully: IM GOING TO THE STUDY DATE TOO OR HAS EVERYONE JUST FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME!?

Mulder: you guys hear somethin?

Scully: I’ll kill you Kogane!

Mulder: Hey that’s my line

Douche Canoe: mmmm I love the smell of murder in the morning

What’s vine?: can you not? I’m trying to sleep over here? >:(

Scully: Omg Sorry grandpa, how disrespectful of us to disturb your sleep. Especially when you only have a few more opportunities to do that before you die 

What’s vine?: I’ll tell your brother you swear on the group chat 

Scully: I’d like to see you try

———————————————————

[7:20am] Shiro >> Matt

Senpai: your sister swears on the group chat I’m in

Matthew: well good morning to you too

Matthew: I raised her right :))

———————————————————

[7:21am] Matt >> Pidge

Matty: What the fucking shit Pidge!

Matty: who the fuck taught you swear words?

lil P: need I explain?

———————————————————

[7:22am] Pidge >> Shiro

Pidge: sent a photo

Pidge: Check and mate 

Shiro: this isn’t the last you’ll hear from me 

Pidge: is that a threat or a promise?

Shiro: oh my god you’re just like your brother

Pidge: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

———————————————————

[7:28am] Keith >> Pidge

Keith: 8:30am?

Pidge changed Keith’s name to: stablord

Pidge: Yeyaaaa

Keith changed Pidge’s name to: booklord 

Stablord: cool. You want me to bring anything?

Booklord: Just your stupid ass

Stablord: I resent that

Booklord: I resent you

Stablord: I resent this conversation

Booklord: cheers I’ll drink to that bro

———————————————————

[8:32am] Lance >> your group

Lance: where are you losers?

Pidge: Keith resents that!

Pidge: we’re on the second floor up the back

Lance changed the group name to: stud buds

Lance: I’m on my way

Pidge changed Lance’s name to: from misery to happiness today

From misery to happiness today: uhhhu uhhhu uhhhu uhhhu

Keith changed Lance’s name to: a shorter name

Lance changed Keith’s name to: buzzkill

Pidge changed her own name to: 3rd wheel

———————————————————-

[9:44am] Keith >> It’s free real estate

Mulder: is it socially acceptable to drown someone in the library bathrooms and leave the body for the cleaners?

Honk Honk: Lance is a good swimmer. He’ll probably be able to hold his breath for ages. You’re better off throwing him out the window :)

Mulder: thanks Hunk you just saved my life!

Douche Canoe: How’d you know it was me being murderwd?

Douche Canoe: Hunk! How did you know?

———————————————————

[10:02am] Allura >> Hunk

Allura: I resentfully gave one of your delicious cookies to my roommate and she said she’ll pay you her life savings if you send more!

Hunk: oh my god why is everyone sharing my cookies around?

Allura: because I love my roommate and giving her one of your cookies was the only way to express how much I love her!!

Hunk: awwwwee that’s so sweet!!!!

Hunk: what’s her name?

Allura: Romelle

Allura: she’s absolutely stunning!

Hunk: is she your girlfriend?

Allura: no hahah I have a boyfriend!

Hunk: well looks like Lance lied to me the other day. If Keith hasn’t already killed him I might see if I can get a hit in!

Allura: ???

Hunk: Lance told me you were a lesbian for some reason. Anyway, who’s your boyfriend? Do I know him?

Allura: His name is Lotor. He’s in our year:))

Hunk: I do know him!

———————————————————-

[10:08] Hunk >> Lance

Hunkalicious: LANCE YOU SAID ALLURA WAS A LESBEAN. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!

Lancelot: No. she’s dating princess Lotor. She’s a lesbian

Hunkalicious: Lance HHAHAHAH wtf!

Hunkalicious: it’s the hair isn’t it?

Lancelot: you bet!

———————————————————-

[10:10am] Hunk >> Allura

Hunk: you have the recipe for the cookies. You can literally make them yourself

Allura: It’s funny you say that

Allura: Romelle and I just whipped out the ingredients

Hunk: How do you have all the ingredients already?

Allura: I went and got them after I left your dorm the other night. I was fucking keen to bake some more!

Hunk: Allura You’re boosting my ego dangerously high right now

Allura: Hunk you’re an amazing cook and a beautiful soul and you’re so warm and smart and strong!

Hunk: Ego has reached maximum storage

Hunk: I need to give you a hug RIGHT NOW!

Allura: get your cute ass over here and bake some cookies with us and you’ll have your hug ;)

Hunk: jckdjdkdnsksk

Hunk: I’VE NEVER RIN THIS FAST IN MY LIFE

Allura: DONT TOU DARE TRip DOWN RHE STAIRS!

———————————————————-

[11:16am] Lance >> It’s free real estate

Douche Canoe: I literally wrote 52 words for my essay in like.. 2 hours ??

Mulder: I only got 106 because you WOULDNT SHUT UP

Scully: and I got a headache from all the fighting :|

Scully: I’m never studying with either of you again!

Mulder: nooooooooooooo

Mulder: Dont ruin what we have just because Lance doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut for 10 seconds

Douche Canoe: I was just delightful to study with thank you very much!

Mulder: YOU STOLE ALL THE DORITOS

Douche Canoe: ONCE THEYVE BEEN OPENED THEYRE FREE REAL ESTATE

Douche Canoe: random fact: Keith can meet me in a Denny’s parking lot in an hour

Mulder: why wait so long? I’m already there >:)

Not a vegan: can I get a waffle?

Douche Canoe: alright then let’s fucking go bitch

Not a vegan: can I please get a waffle?

Mulder: I’m going to bitch slap you so hard you’ll be eating from a straw for the next two weeks

Douche Canoe: well I’m gonna stick my foot so far up your ass you start shitting blood

Hunk Garrett removed Keith Kogane from the group

Hunk Garrett removed Lance McClain from the group

Honk Honk: Jesus Christ

Scully: Hunk you’ve just done gods work. Thank you so much!

Honk Honk: you’re welcome

Honk Honk: You had to deal with that for the last three hours?

Scully: Yeah 

What’s vine?: I’ve had to deal with 50% of that for the last 8 years!

What’s vine?: but you put them together and it’s like world war 3, 4, 5 and 6

Honk Honk: amen

Scully: awomen 

Scully: I think the only thing that got me through was laughing at their constipated faces when the other wasn’t looking

Honk Honk: their? Was that... plural?

Scully: yeyeaaa

Honk Honk: oh my 

Honk Honk: does that mean...Keith..?

Scully: I dunno man we’ll have to ask an expert

Scully: SHIROOOOOOOO

Scully: SHIROOOOOO YOU’RE BEING SUMMONEDDDDDDDD

What’s vine?: hi how can I help you?

Scully: Keith have the hots for our spastic friend?

What’s vine: which friend is that?

Scully: ha. Ha.

Honk Honk: the long twig one

What’s vine: Lance? Couldn’t tell you

Scully: He has constipation face all morning. I bet he does

What’s vine?: Nah that’s just his normal face

Scully: ohohooohohoohoh

Honk Honk: sick burn hahaha

Honk Honk: In other news I met Allura’s roommate and she is literally the goofiest human to grace this earth

Not a vegan: I second that! Romelle is the cutest!

Scully: is she in our year?

Not a vegan: yis 

Scully: interesting 

Hunk changed Allura’s name to: not a lesbean

———————————————————-

[11:21am] Lance >> Keith

Lance: YOU ASSHOLE YOU GIT ME KICKED OUT IF THE GROUP!!!$:!$:&

Keith: YOU GOT YOURSELF KICKED OUT FOR BEING NASTY

Lance: YOU BETTER GET READY TO CATCH THESE HANDS

Keith: BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME YOU’L ACTUALLY GET A PUNCH IN BEFORE I FUCKING DECK YOU

Lance: >:( >:( >:(

Keith: >:)

———————————————————-

[12:26pm] Romelle >> Hunk

Romelle: hi! Allura gave me your contact info I hope that’s okay 

Hunk: of course it is! I was actually going to ask her for yours so this works

Romelle: thank god because I have something very important to tell you

Hunk: oooooh What is it?

Romelle: I managed to contain myself so there’s still two cookies left... are you proud?

Hunk: ROMELLE

Hunk: WE COOKED A BATCH OF THIRTY!

Romelle: THEY WERE TOO GOOOOOOOD

Romelle: I COULDNT HELP MYSELF

Hunk: you’re going to have a heart attack and die!

Romelle: at least I’ll die doing something I love; eating your cookies

Hunk: &:$:&,$ usnskdbhak

Romelle: $:$:$/!$/)2?2!/@,9/@/?.8,&/!/ 

Hunk: snsgsjbsixu yaksks snavshxu

Romelle: I have stabbing pains in my chest. Do you think I’m dying?

Hunk: IM CALLING YOU AN AMBULANCE

Romelle: No I don’t have the money for a heart transplant! I’ll just drink some water and get over it!

Hunk: this seems safe...

———————————————————-

[1:10pm] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: add me back into the group I have something to say!

Hunkalicious: I hope I won’t regret this

———————————————————-

[1:11pm] Hunk >> It’s free real estate

Hunk Garrett added Lance McClain

Hunk Garrett added Keith Kogane 

Lance: is there anything better than pussy?

Keith: yes a really good dicc

Lance: *synths on the piano*

Honk Honk: is this really what you wanted to say?

Lance: yes

Lance changed Keith’s name to: dicc

Keith changed Lance’s name to: Dorito chin

Dorito chin: You know what? I can get on board with this

Dicc: :D

Honk Honk: you two seem to be getting along better

Dorito chin: I just don’t wanna get kicked out again

Dicc: same

Honk Honk: good! behave yourselves and we won’t have a problem!

Dorito chin: yes ma’am!

Not a lesbean: Guys stop being gay for a minute I need to show you my fresh new kicks!!

Dorito chin: OH FUCK YEAH

Not a lesbean: [sent a photo]

Not a lesbean: they light up when you click them together

Dorito chin: raaaaaaad !$!

Dicc: They be cooler if they had knives

Not a lesbean: hun there’s no such thing as shoes with knives

Dicc: oh really?

Dicc: then how doo you explain...

Dorito chin: ...?

Dicc: [sent a photo]

Dicc: these bad boys!

Not a lesbean: AHAHHABAHAHHA WTF

Dorito chin: Keith how the fic k do you just have a pair of iceskates sitting in your room

Dicc: Theyre Shiro’s old ice skkates. He was going to get rid of them but I said I wanted to salvage the blades for my collection :)))

Dorito chin: ... who. Are. You?

Dicc: a man who knows how to arm himself

Dorito chin: wow I’m a little bit afraid of you right now

Dicc: good

Dorito chin: anyway we’re getting side tracked from the real question..

Dorito chin: SHIRO DID ICE SKATING

Dicc: yeppppo for yearssss

Dicc: Oh fuck he’s going to kill me for telling you guys that 

Not a lesbean: I’m shook

Dorito chin: no!! You have to give us more infoooooo!

Dicc: What d’you wanna know?

Dorito chin: Omg I didn’t think I’d get this far...

Dorito chin: did he compete?

Dicc: a couple times

Dorito chin: djsnsjsn was he good

Dicc: absolutely not. I have evidence wait up 

Dorito chin: oh my fucking god this is juicy

Dicc: [sent a photo]

Dicc: [sent a photo]

Dicc: [sent a photo]

Dorito chin: fjdjsjsnskxnsjsnjshsdjuxjsd

Not a vegan: screenshotted for future blackmail

Dorito chin: do you have any more?

Dicc: unfortunately no :((

Dorito chin: that’s fine, these wil suffice 

Not a lesbean: Matt’s gonna love these 

Dicc: >:)))

———————————————————-

[2:55pm] Shiro >> it’s free real estate

What’s vine?: [sent a photo]

What’s vine?: [sent a photo]

What’s vine?: [sent a photo]

What’s vine?: [sent a photo]

What’s vine?: [sent a photo]

What’s vine?: [sent a photo]

What’s vine?: [sent a photo]

What’s vine?: [sent a video 1:48 minutes]

What’s vine?: Keith’s school photos from age 11-18 and a video of him trying to do the floss in his room when he thought no one was there

Dorito chin: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA 

Dorito chin: I SAVED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE HOLY SHIT

Not a lesbean: Oh

Not a lesbean: My

Not a lesbean: God

Scully: Wow! That uniform is freaking toit!

Not a lesbean: I’ve been waiting to see thes for years!!!!

Lance changed Shiro’s name to: Oprah

Oprah: why Oprah?

Dorito chin: cause “you get a photo, you get photo, you get a photo!”

Oprah: how creative :D

Dorito chin: Keith, do you even know how to smile??!

Dorito chin: Wait the second one is kind of cute, there’s like a half smile there..

Honk Honk: THE FIRST THREE ARE SO CUUUUUUTEEEEEE!!

Honk Honk: HIS LITTLE FACE OMG

Dorito Chin: What’s with the uniform? Did he go to a private school or something?

Oprah: He got into so much trouble at school the first year he lived with us so mum and dad sent him to a private school to try and straighten him out

Honk Honk: did it work?

Oprah: ...Have you met him?

Honk Honk: Actually no I haven’t.. :(

Not a lesbean: No. it absolutely did not work

Scully: they must have taught him how to floss though cause he actually does it pretty well

Oprah: yeah, I’ll give him that much

Dorito chin: today is literally the best day of my life

———————————————————-  
[3:01pm] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: Dude Keith looked so hot in his senior photo holy fuck

Hunkalicious: I really want to tell you to shut up right now but unfortunately I have to agree with you

Lancelot: maybe I should set it as my wallpaper??

Hunkalicious: Okay now I have to tell you to shut up

Lancelot: :,(

Hunkalicious: anyway onto more important news. How did the study date go?

Lancelot: oh my god Hunk he’s even more attractive up close

Lancelot: and his VOICE!!

Lancelot: IVE NEVER HEARD HIM TALK IN CLASS BEFORE BUT HOLY SHIT I WISH I DID

Lancelot: I’m going to gossip to you all night holy crap

Hunkalicious: I’m nearly home so you better start getting your facts in order

Lancelot: HECK YEAH

———————————————————-  
[3:19pm] Keith >> It’s free real estate

Dicc: FOR FUCK SAKE

Dicc: Shiro I’m going to kill you with your own fucking ice skates

Honk Honk: Okay Yeah private school definitely didn’t help

———————————————————-

[3:44pm] Shiro >> Keith 

Mum: How’d your date go with Lance?

Son: fuck off

Keith changed Shiro’s name to: traitor

Shiro changed Keith’s name to: original traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please comment some suggestions for future ‘vine of the days’ cause I’m already finding it hard to choose good ones (preferably ones that can be quoted) and I’ll chuck them in somewhere. Andddd Thank you so much for your love it’s very much appreciated! 
> 
> Feel free to scream at me in the comments about whatever your sweet little hearts desire.  
> I may not be able to respond to comments straight away because commenting on my phone doesn’t seem to be working but I will reply ASAP


	3. Croissants and pic-a-nic baskets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oprah: that’s not going to happen because keith is going to drive responsibly while he has passengers
> 
> Dicc: pffft
> 
> Oprah: I’ll tell mum about that speeding ticket you got a couple weeks ago..
> 
> Dicc: Sorry Pidge, looks like we’re sticking to the speed limit
> 
> The fool: Wack
> 
> Dicc: He didn’t say I couldn’t tie you to the roof though..
> 
> The fool: OH FUCK YES
> 
> Booboo: speeding? Ticket?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lance: Dorito chin  
> Pidge: Scully  
> Hunk: Honk Honk  
> Keith: Dicc  
> Allura: Not a lesbean  
> Shiro: Oprah

[5:28pm] Lance >> It’s free real estate

Dorito chin: heck yeah we don’t have classes tomorrowwww

Dorito chin: We should have a fucking picnic down at the park!!!

Not a lesbean: That sounds so fun!!!

Dorito chin: heck yeah it does

Honk Honk: I’ll bring the pic-a-nic basket :))

Lance changed Hunk’s name to: Yogi

Hunk changed Lance’s name to: Booboo

Scully: Only booboo I know is booboo the fool

Lance changed Pidge’s name to: The fool

Booboo: we all in lads and lasses?

The fool: I’m in!!!

Not a lesbean: yiiiiis I’m so pumped

Not a lesbean: I’m trying to get Shiro to join :)

Booboo: is he with you right now?

Not a lesbean: Yeah

Booboo: tell him Lance says to be there or be square

The fool: Pidge seconds that

Yogi: Hunk thirds that

Not a lesbean: He has succumb to peer pressure

Booboo: so proud of you Shiro!

Booboo: Okay now where the fuck is Keith

The fool: probably writing love letters to mothman

Yogi: letters? Does he not know how to use email?

The fool: I don’t think mothman has an email address

Not a lesbean: Shiro says he’s at the gym

The fool: who? Mothman?

Not a lesbean: nooooooooo Keith

Booboo: Keith? At the gym? What could he possibly be working out?

Oprah: his anger management issues

Booboo: HAHAHAHHAHAHA

The fool: fucking burn!

Not a lesbean: Shiro whipped his phone out so quick just to say that

Oprah: I’ll do anything to get a good roast in

Dicc: Keith is throwing dumbbells at the wall and imaging it’s Shiro’s head

Booboo: you aren’t at the gym you liar!

Dicc: ummmm..? Yeah I am??

Booboo: send me a gym selfie then

Booboo: I need evidence

Dicc: Add me on Snapchat and I fucking will

Booboo: what’s your user?

Dicc: www.suckmyass.com

Dicc: woah that’s so random how did that get there???

Booboo: ha. Ha.

Dicc: k_kogane

The fool: teSTOstErONE

———————————————————-

[5:53pm] Keith >> It’s free real estate

Dicc: Guys don’t send snapchats to Lance he screenshots them

Yogi: No that’s only yours

The fool: he doesn’t screenshot mine

Booboo: what can I say.. my hand slipped

———————————————————-

[5:55pm] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: MY HAND DID NOT SLIP

Lancelot: I REPEAT MY HAND DID NOT SLIP

Hunkalicious: Yeah no shit Sherlock

Hunkalicious: send it through I’m curious

Lancelot: [sent a photo]

Hunkalicious: Wow.

Hunkalicious: Oh my god I would have screenshotted it too.

Lancelot: mmmhhmmmm

Lancelot: I nearly had an OrGASSmm just looking at it

Hunkalicious: Okay you need to go into the bathroom and wash your fucking mouth out.

Lancelot: yes papa

———————————————————

[5:58pm] Hunk >> Pidge

We’re in boys: Pidge holy shit Keith is FLIRTING with Lance

Photosynthesis: I FUCKING KNEW IT!

We’re in boys: This is the ‘Gym selfie’ Lance asked for

We’re in boys: [sent a photo]

Photosynthesis: no Hunky boy that’s straight up porn

We’re in boys: riiight?!

We’re in boys: He could have just sent a normal photo but that is the most suggestive photograph I’ve ever seen

We’re in boys: i mean I’ve never actually met Keith so I don’t know if he always just walks around waving his dick and everytjing but JESUS

Photosynthesis: No way Keith doesn’t wave his dock at Anything

Photosynthesis: he just glares at anything that moves

Photosynthesis: ask Lance, see if he’s caught on to anything yet

We’re in boys: This was his reaction

We’re in boys: *waves hand dismissively* “He’s just teasing”

Photosynthesis: man I love Lance with all my heart but god he’s a dense motherfucker

We’re in boys: we need to make this happen! Lover boy hasn’t been in a relationship since Fiona dumped him a at prom

Photosynthesis: that fucking bitch

Photosynthesis: maybe it’s best we don’t get involved after that disaster. We heard about her for the next three months.

We’re in boys: true but I’m gonna do it anyway

Photosynthesis: you do you boo

———————————————————-

[6:03pm] Pidge >> Keith

Booklord: [sent a photo]

Booklord: I spy with my little eye a fucking flirt

Stablord: I was just teasing him

Booklord: you people I swear to god

Stablord: Wait... did he send you that himself?

———————————————————-

[6:05pm] Keith >> It’s free real estate

Dicc: so which park are we talking about here?

Booboo: I haven’t thought that far ahead yet

Not a vegan: we should go to that one we went to when Matt yeeted his phone at a tree

The fool: he did what now??

Not a lesbean: Yeah.. Matt yeeted his phone at a tree and it shattered into a million pieces

Oprah: that was a great day

Dicc: for you maybe, Matt cried into my shoulder about his phone for fucking 40 minutes

Not a lesbean: Wait Wait Wait I have a photo of that!

Not a lesbean: [sent a photo]

Oprah: Great. Day.

Booboo: When is that from? They both look like fetuses!

The fool: Foetuses*

Booboo: we’re not having this debate again

Oprah: I believe that was about two years ago?

Not a lesbean: Yeah about that

The fool: back when Matt was in his Star Wars phase

Oprah: he’s still in that phase

Booboo: and where exactly is this legendary park?

Not a lesbean: bout a twenty minute drive

Booboo: that’s all well and good but I don’t have a car

Not a lesbean: Keith can drive y’all

Not a lesbean: Dibs going with Shiro

Dicc: wow thanks for volunteering me

Booboo: fuck no I’m not going in his car

Not a lesbean: well neither am I! I value my life thank you very much

Dicc: IM A GOOD DRIVER

Not a lesbean: GOOD DRIVERS STICK TO THE SPEED LIMIT

Dicc: speed limits are for amateurs

Not a lesbean: maybe we should fit more into Shiro’s car. Minimise the casualties.

Dicc: whatever. you guys get in grandpa’s car then. Who wants to go for a joy ride?

The fool: yes I would like to die!

Dicc: very cool. very nice. I like it.

Booboo: Pidge, out here living up to her chat name

Allura: can I invite Romelle? I promised we’d hang out tomorrow

Booboo: yes I want to meet her! Hunk has been talking about her non-stop

Yogi: I HAVE NOT.

Oprah: now I want to invite someone :((

The fool: don’t fucking invite Matt!

———————————————————-  
[6:15pm] Shiro >> Matt

Senpai: Matt were having a picnic at that place where you murdered your phone you wanna come?

Matthew: Hoyaaaaaaaaa

———————————————————-

[6:20pm] Shiro >> it’s free real estate

Oprah: okay so Matt, Allura and Romelle can go in my car and the rest of you can die in Keith’s car

Not a lesbean: lit

The fool: Nooooooooo uninvite matt

Not a lesbean: noooooooooo Matt is the best

Not a lesbean: it’s okay Pidge if you go in Keith’s car you won’t live long enough to have to see him.

Oprah: that’s not going to happen because keith is going to drive responsibly while he has passengers

Dicc: pffft

Oprah: I’ll tell mum about that speeding ticket you got a couple weeks ago..

Dicc: Sorry Pidge, looks like we’re sticking to the speed limit

The fool: Wack

Dicc: He didn’t say I couldn’t tie you to the roof though..

The fool: OH FUCK YES

Booboo: speeding? Ticket?

Dicc: it was like 2km over the speed limit. Nothing to worry about

Oprah: try 20km

Booboo: noooooooo Shiro let me in your car :(((((

Oprah: no can do. We full.

Booboo: I’m too young and beautiful to die!!

———————————————————-

[7:08pm] Hunk >> It’s free real estate

Yogi: Lance and I made sandwiches for you hungry hippos but y’all need to bring snacks cause my poor sad wallet is almost empty :(((

Not a lesbean: no problemo

Not a lesbean: I will bring plenty of snacks

The fool: it’s pronounced ‘schnacks’

Not a lesbean: my bad

Not a lesbean: schnacks*

The fool: it’s okay I’m letting you off easy cause you’re foreign

Not a lesbean: FUUUUCK

The fool: I’ll pull something out of my ass to bring tomorrow

Yogi: that’s okay, Pidge. We don’t need your butt stuff

The fool: butt stuff

Booboo: butt stuff

Not a lesbean: butt stuff

———————————————————-

[8:34pm] Lance >> Keith

Lance: does your car by chance have a spare helmet in the back?

Keith: nope

Keith: there’s no seatbelts either

Keith: or doors

Lance: brakes?

Keith: pointless

Lance: steering wheel?

Keith: well duh. What kind of car doesn’t have a steering wheel?

Lance: oh of course you’re right. My bad.

Keith: jeez do you even know annnything about cars??

Lance: I know that I’m going to die in one tomorrow :)

Keith: that you are

Keith: is it weird that I can clearly see the fear in that smiley face’s eyes?

Lance: not really cause there’s a lot of fear in those two little pinpricks

Keith: would the pinpricks be less fearful if I told you there are actually brakes in the car

Lance: a little

Keith: what if I told you that I’m a very skilful driver and I take my duty not to kill my passengers very seriously

Lance: Getting warmer

Keith: that’s all you’re getting

Lance: awww shucks :((

Lance: So tell me.. did you name your car?

Keith: of course I did

Lance: And What is it’s name?

Keith: HER name is red

Lance: Wow

Lance: just wow

Keith: don’t you fucking dare

Lance: I mean.. kudos for creativity! How long did it take you to come up with that name?

Keith: excuuuuuse me? I named her before I even bought her

Lance: Whyyyy???

Keith: cause I could

Keith: and red’s my favourite colour

Lance: I can’t believe this

Lance: I’m going to hang out with my friends tomorrow in a fucking car named ‘red’

Lance: what is this? The wiggles?

Keith: you know what

Keith: when you see her tomorrow you can tell me what you would name her and we’ll cast a vote for whose name is better.

Keith: Actually. No. you can just fucking walk

Lance: nnnnnnooooooo my legs are too old and brittle

Keith: that sounds like a you problem not a me probmlem

Lance: Keittttttth pleassssssse

Lance: donnttttt leave meee hangggingggg likeeee thiiiiisss

Lance: I’m sorrryyyyyy

Lance: RED IS A BEAUTIFUL NAME FOR A CAR

Lance: KEEEEIIITTTHHHHHHHHHH

———————————————————-

[9:02pm] Hunk >> Romelle

Hunk: I forgot to ask how things went with that whole heart attack thing...

Hunk: Did you make it??

Romelle: Of course. I’m a survivor :D

Hunk: I’m proud of you

Romelle: And There’s still 1 And a Half cookies left !!

Hunk: pride BASS BOOSTED X10000

Romelle: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ

Hunk: hahahaa

Hunk: How do you even know how to make that face?

Romelle: google and then copy and paste

Hunk: ooooh

Hunk: (◕‿◕✿)

Romelle: she pretty

Hunk: das me

Romelle: you pretty*

Romelle: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hunk: delightful

Romelle: truly captivating

Hunk: absolutely delicious

Romelle: genuinely fascinating

Hunk: fooking tasty

Romelle: ~(˘▾˘~)

Romelle: positively divine

Hunk: Okay you win for sure

Romelle: ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

Hunk: ahaha

Hunk: are you excited for tomorrow?

Romelle: yeeeessss

Romelle: Allura keeps on talking about these new friends she’s made and I can’t wait to meet everyone

Romelle: Of course I’ve met Shiro, Keith and Matt a few times before but I be never met Lance?? And Pidge??

Hunk: yeah. Lance and Pidge are a bit stupid but they try their best

Hunk: I think you’ll like them

Hunk: I’m excited to see you again :D

Romelle: OMGGGGG ME TOO

Romelle: I have to show you these photos I took of my brothers new puppyyyyy. I went to visit my family today and oh my goodness the puppy is so cuuuute

Hunk: sneaky peak?

Romelle: [Sent a photo]

Romelle: that’s all you get for now cause I want to scream about her with you tomorrow!!!

Hunk: (✿´‿`)

Hunk: all I’m seeing is a little puppy butt, but it’s the cutest butt I’ve ever seen

Romelle: riiiight?

Romelle: She thicc

Hunk: romelle noooo :O

Romelle: romelle yes

———————————————————-

[9:44pm] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: I see you over there laughing at your phone

Hunkalicious: mind your damn business boi

Hunkalicious: besides I heard you giggling like a little girl about an hour ago

Lancelot: no idea what you’re talking about

Hunkalicious mmmhhhhmmmmm

———————————————————-

[7:00am] Lance >> It’s free real estate

Booboo: Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant.

Pidge changed the group name to: stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

Dicc: do you wait by your phone every morning for him to quote his vine?

The fool: absolutely

The fool: do you have a problem with that?

Dicc: I have an opinion but I don’t think it’s worth voicing

The fool: smart

Booboo: the best part is I’m always on time :D

The fool: except for that time when your alarm didn’t go off and you cried because “I’ve failed in my duties”

Booboo: I can always trust you to remember all my bad moments

Dicc: must be a difficult task. I’m sure there’s a lot of them

Booboo: you shut your mouth emo trash!

Dicc: racist

Booboo: I didn’t realise emo was a race??

The fool: it’s more of a state of mind it think

Booboo: That makes more sense

Dicc: >:(

The fool: just out of curiosity.. did we set a time for today?

Booboo: no we did not

Booboo: I vote we get to the park at 8am :)

Dicc: I vote you fuck right off

The fool: I vote for Keith’s idea

Booboo: five years of friendship! And for what? For you to side with an edge lord with bad hair

Dicc: what’s wrong with my hair? :(

The fool: nothing’s wrong with your hair bby it’s beautiful

Dicc :D

The fool: and Lance, I would totally side with you if you Came up with more realistic ideas

Booboo: Okay What If we get to the park at 11:30? That gives us plenty of time for you prissy’s to get your make up on and do your hair and for Keith to put on an identical outfit to what he wore yesterday

Dicc: and for Keith to practice his karate so he can chop you in the throat

Booboo: maybe we should make it earlier so he doesn’t have time to do that??

The fool: no! 11:30am is perfect! Leave it at 11:30!

Booboo: whatever you say ma’am

Booboo: now that that’s sorted I have to go jump on my roommates bed brb

———————————————————-

[8:34am] Keith >> your group

Members: Keith, Pidge, Lance, Hunk

 

Keith: Okay where am I picking you all up from?

Hunk: good question

Hunk: you know where Pidge’s is, right?

Hunk: we could meet there

Keith: Easy

Keith as long as that’s okay with Pidge?

Pidge: all good

Hunk: coolies

Hunk: what time should we meet

Keith: 11?

Pidge: yep

Pidge: Or you can get here earlier if you want idm

Hunk: no prob. I’ll see you all there

Pidge: :D

———————————————————-

[8:58am] Allura >> Shiro

Awoowa: Where are we meeting on this fine day?

Shiwo: you can come round to mine, Matt’s already here so either that or we’ll go to you

Awoowa: Romelle and I are nearly ready so we’ll just go to yours. We’ll be about 15 minutes

Shiwo: easy peasy

Awoowa: you’re a dork

Shiwo: D:

———————————————————-

[9:56am] Lance >> Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

Booboo: What does one even wear to a park?

Not a lesbean: clothes

Booboo: sigh

Booboo: you’re no help to me

Not a lesbean: :)

———————————————————-

[9:59am] Allura >> Lance

Allura: send photos of what you’re thinking of wearing and I’ll tell you which one I like best

Lance: fahabsisndndldndj

Lance: ALLOORA :D

Allura: I know I’m the best now send me those photos cadet!

Lance: yes captain!

Lance: [sent a photo]

Lance: [sent a photo]

Lance: [sent a photo]

Lance: [sent a photo]

Allura: Jesus how many clothes do you have?

Lance: [sent a photo]

Lance: that’s it :)

Allura: fuck that jacket in the second one is cute! I want one!

Lance: mmmmm it’s my fave

Allura: they’re all very well put together but I believe the fourth is the most appropriate for the park and for today’s whether

Allura: And you’ll look HAWT of course

Lance: yay! Thank you you’re the best!

Lance: any idea what you’re wearing?

Allura: I’ll send a pic

Allura: [sent a photo]

Allura: what do you think?

Lance: God you’re perfect

Lance: You look absolutely stunning

Allura: awww Thank you darling xx

Lance: just speaking the truth xx

———————————————————-

[10:05am] Lance >> Your group

Lance: why am I in a chat with no group name?

Lance: this is a monstrosity

Lance changed the group name to: Suicide squad

Lance changed Keith’s name to: designated driver

Pidge changed her name to: Shotgun

Lance: damn it!

Hunk changed Lance’s name to: Sorry no room for you

Keith changed Hunk’s name to: The Best

Sorry no room for you: Why do I always get ganged up on?

Shotgun: you make yourself an easy target

The Best: because you’re too cool and we have to knock you down a few pegs*

Sorry no room for you: nawwww Hunk!

Keith changed Lance’s name to: His name is too long, I had to change it

Pidge changed Lance’s name to: you just made it longer

Lance changed his name to: Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang

Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang: does this work?

Keith changed his name to: I think your name just gave me dyslexia

Hunk changed Lance’s name to: No

Pidge changed her name to: what kind of hell is this?

Hunk changed Keith’s name to: designated driver

Hunk changed Pidge’s name to: Shotgun

Hunk changed Lance’s name to: baby on board

Baby on board: excuuuuuuuse me???

Lance changed his name to: in charge of the music

Keith changed Lance’s name to: Like hell I’m gonna let you play your shitty music in my car

The Best: :|

Lance changed his name to: Best dj this side of the border

Keith changed Lance’s name to: worst*

Pidge changed Lance’s name to: Lance

Shotgun: shut the fuck up you’re giving me an aneurysm

Lance: This is going to be a fun little trip

Shotgun: $20 says Keith is going to set Lance on fire at some point

Designated driver: if I do... do I get the 20 bucks?

Shotgun: nope

Designated driver: doesn’t matter I wanna do it anyway

Lance: beware the pyro

Lance: I’ll just do a rain dance to put the fire out

Shotgun: I’ll recorded it and put it on the YouTubes

The Best: lord help us!

———————————————————-

[10:33am] Pidge >> Suicide squad

Shotgun: get your asses over here I’m BOREDDDD

The Best: I’m waiting for Lance to get out of the bathroom

The Best: I don’t even know what he’s doing in there

Shotgun: probably having a wank

The Best: PIDGE

The Best: I’m bringing a bar of soap so you can wash your dirty dirty mouth out when I get there

Shotgun: YUM! Can’t wait!

Designated driver: When my roommate takes too long in the shower I just kick the door down

Designated driver: Maybe that’s why he hates me...

Shotgun: you have a roommate???

Designated driver: yeah he’s a dick. Let’s not dwell on it

The Best: Maybe I should kick the door down

Designated driver: do it!

Shotgun: more importantly...

Shotgun: record it

The Best: Nope he’s out now. He must have known we were conspiring

The Best: everybody act natural

Lance: You guys known I can read the group chat... right?

Shotgun: YOU CAN READ???

———————————————————-

[10:42am] Pidge >> Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

The fool: [sent a photo]

The fool: Look! Keith’s not wearing all black today

Not a lesbean: on this week’s episode of: Photos taken seconds before disaster

Oprah: I’ve never seen such murderous rage in his eyes before

Yogi: something tells me Keith doesn’t like people taking photos of him

The fool: a true cryptid

Booboo: Who even are you anymore?

Dicc: Keith Kogane: badass, genius, collector of sharp objects and an excellent lover.

Dicc: feel free to add

The fool: ex-convict

Booboo: prep school bitch

The fool: mothman lover

Oprah: cowboy

Not a lesbean: Lesbian

Oprah: hater of chicken nuggets

Dicc: CHICKEN NUGGETS ARE MADE OF TINY LITTLE CHICKLINGS! THATS JUST CRUEL

Not a lesbean: you don’t know that

Dicc: I WATCHED A DOCUMENTARY

Not a lesbean: Green peace volunteer

Oprah: Watcher Of Documentary’s

Dicc: I do love a good doco

The fool: mmmmm me too!

The fool: I watched that same documentary about the chicken nuggets. It was terrifying

Dicc: THANKYOU

The fool: I still eat nuggets though

Dicc: NO

Yogi: Lance watches shark docos 24/7

Booboo: SHARK BAIT HOO HA HA

Not a lesbean: simmer down cherry bomb

Booboo: I just wuv sharks

Dicc: Lance, if chicken nuggets were made of baby sharks would you still eat them?

Booboo: no cause then they wouldn’t be chicken nuggets. They’d be fish sticks.

The fool: Lance eats fish sticks. I’ve seen him eat them before

Booboo: I do but if they were made of baby sharks I wouldn’t eat them

Dicc: at least someone’s on my side

Booboo: I’m never on your side

The fool: Keith is sulking

Opera: When is he not?

Dicc: I hate all of you

———————————————————

[11:03am] Lance >> Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

Booboo: I’m not getting in this car

Not a lesbean: ugh what now?

Booboo: He named his car red

Not a lesbean: yes he did

Booboo: ITS A BLACK CAR

Dicc: There’s red in that

Booboo: unbelievable

———————————————————

[11:14am] Lance >> stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

Booboo: And now Pidge and Keith are screaming the lyrics to ‘Dont stop me now’ by Queen at each other.

Not a lesbean: that’s gey

Booboo: And Hunk’s joined in. I’m done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another quick chapter because the response for the first two was so good I had to keep writing! Thanks everyone for your support and thank you to those who quoted vines for me to use you’re all blessings!! Keep the comments and Kudos going people :) 
> 
> I did a drawing for this chapter but I’m still trying to figure out how to upload images so for the meantime it’s on my Instagram https://instagram.com/p/BqjPNhRA7ji/


	4. The one about Keith’s ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Booboo: Okay I’ll do something cool with Shiro instead. None of you are invited.
> 
> Oprah: Sure I would be happy to go do something weird with you while your friends hangout without you
> 
> Booboo: I’m going to ignore the sarcasm because I liked the sentiment
> 
> The fool: Shiro he’s going to get you to do some weird stuff with him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Booboo: Lance  
> Yogi: Hunk  
> The fool: Pidge  
> Not a lesbean: Allura  
> Oprah: Shiro  
> Dicc: Keith

[5:14pm] Pidge >> Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant 

The fool: well that was an interesting afternoon.

Dicc: I’m just glad Matt didn’t break his phone again.

Oprah: I have the memorial photo we took at the tree where it happened. 

Oprah: [sent a photo]

The fool: That’s just him squatting next to a tree??

Booboo: The only way to pay respect

The fool: You won’t be saying that when I’m squatting at your funeral in 10 years

Booboo: you’re saying I’m gonna die in my early thirties???

Dicc: God I hope so

Booboo: KEITH WHAT THE FUCK

Dicc: joking

Dicc: I hope your life is long and prosperous 

The fool: uwu 

Booboo: nawww that’s actually kind of sweet

Yogi: who’d’ve thunk Keith had a soft side

Dicc: shut up I only said that so Lance didn’t spend the next 10 hours crying in the girls bathroom like a little bitch

Dicc: if he’s gonna die in ten years he can’t be wasting the next ten hours being a sissy

Booboo: I retract my nawww

Yogi: in other news, I enjoyed hanging out with you all today and I hope we can do that again some time

Booboo: nawwww

The fool: we should go to a science museum together :)

Booboo: I’d rather die

Yogi: oooh I’ll go to a science museum with you Pidge! 

The fool: nice!

The fool: it’s good to finally find a true friend amongst all the fakes

Booboo: that’s okay. I’m sure my new friend Keith would be happy to do something cool like... 

Booboo: Keith what do you even do in your spare time??

Dicc: wouldn’t you like to know

Booboo: Okay I’ll do something cool with Shiro instead. None of you are invited.

Oprah: Sure I would be happy to go do something weird with you while your friends hangout without you

Booboo: I’m going to ignore the sarcasm because I liked the sentiment

The fool: Shiro he’s going to get you to do some weird stuff with him...

Oprah: meh can’t be worse than that time Matt asked me to go to paintball with him last year but instead he took me to get a new bear at the build-a-bear anniversary...

The fool: He showed me the bear.. it was actually kind of cute

Oprah: apparently it was a special edition and was only being sold on the day of the store’s anniversary??

Oprah: still don’t know why he had to drag me along???

Booboo: probably thought he wouldn’t look like a huge nerd if he brought his big strong friend with him

The fool: Matt would still look like a huge nerd if he did something cool like fight off a crocodile or rap every lyric to an Eminem song

The fool: it’s in his blood

Yogi: that means it’s in your blood too Pidge..

The fool: I have already come to terms with this revelation

Oprah: Pidge, accepting who you are will make you a better person

The fool: thanks aunt Barbara 

The fool: Aunt Barbara is my weird aunt whose always shoving wisdom down my throat at family functions

Booboo: I hate that mental image

Oprah: me too

Oprah: but you’re welcome

The fool: :D

The fool: hey where’s Allura? Usually she’s shouting memes at us by this point in the conversation

Booboo: true

Not a lesbean: h-hewwo?

Oprah: why did you summon her from her hell hole?

Booboo: kinky

———————————————————-

[5:20pm] Allura >> Lotor

Princess: Hey babe I’m back from my picnic! You wanna hang?

Princey: You can come over if you’d like. We can discuss our theories on how best to dominate the universe.

Princess: you know I get turned on when you talk world domination to me :0

Princey: There’s plenty more where that came from

Princess: good cause I’m on my way!

———————————————————

[5:40pm] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: soooooo

Lancelot: Romelle seems cool ;)

Hunkalicious: >:(

Hunkalicious: Keith seems cool ;) ;)

Lancelot: Hey! Don’t steal my move!

Hunkalicious: You stole MY move!

Lancelot: I know how to end this conflict

Hunkalicious: and how is that?

Lancelot: if you admit to having a big fat crush on Romelle I’ll admit that I find Keith mildly attractive

Hunkalicious: Lance you’ve already admitted that on at least five occasions

Lancelot: Where’s your proof?

Hunkalicious: You really want me to do this??

Lancelot: no I can’t deal with the shame

Hunkalicious: smart

Lancelot: at least admit that you find romelle cute

Hunkalicious: Okay she’s a little bit cute

Lancelot: are you kidding she is literally the cutest human I’ve ever met

Lancelot: That includes Pidge 

Hunkalicious: Pidge is too smart to be cute 

Lancelot: true she’s definitely an evil genius

Hunkalicious: Gremlin 

Hunkalicious: I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s just using us for our great banter

Lancelot: For sure. We mean nothing to her.

Lancelot: Wait!

Lancelot: you’re dodging the question!

Hunkalicious: no im not 

Hunkalicious: Anyway would you be interested in discussing something else for the rest of the evening?

Hunkalicious: perhaps we can talk about the fact that shark week starts next week..?

Lancelot: Dammit stop trying to distract me with the things I love most 

Lancelot: I must admit I am very excited for shark week

Lancelot: back to the matter st hand. You think romelle is cute. Admit it.

Hunkalicious: why would I admit that? You’re just going to make fun of me if I do

Lancelot: I want to disagree with that but you know I could never lie to you

Lancelot: what if we make a pact? 

Lancelot: I won’t make fun of you about romelle if you don’t make fun of me about Keith

Hunkalicious: Okay I admit Romelle is super cute

Lancelot: SUPER cute

Hunkalicious: it’s the pigtails. I’m convinced she does it on purpose

Lancelot: HUNNNK

Lancelot: tell me more tell me more!

Hunkalicious: I like her laugh

Hunkalicious: it is now my goal in life to make her laugh every second of everyday

Lancelot: Woah slow down there buddy that sounds like marriage

Hunkalicious: this is your fault

Hunkalicious: you got me excited

Lancelot: my apologies

Hunkalicious: gush to me about Keith

Lancelot: Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay 

Lancelot: first tell me what you thought of him

Hunkalicious: he’s cute

Lancelot: you’re lying. He’s not cute he’s terrifying

Hunkalicious: Okay Yeah He is 

Hunkalicious: hes also incredibly attractive...

Lancelot: mmmmmm

Lancelot: And wicked smart

Lancelot: his rendition of Africa by Toto got my rains down in Africa going if you know what I’m saying

Hunkalicious: I do know what you’re saying and I’m highly disturbed

Lancelot: I feel like everyone who was there today was at least a little bit attracted to him

Hunkalicious: I doubt Pidge was. She’s a full on lesbian

Lancelot: Let’s ask

———————————————————-

[5:56pm] Lance >> in a pod

Pea 1: Pidge are you attracted to Keith?

Pea 3: as a part of the Lesbian alliance I have to say no

Pea 3: but I must admit if I was straight I would totally tap that

Pea 1: gross

Pea 1: I’m gonna tell him you said that

Pea 3: go ahead. Doesn’t bother me.

Pea 1: 0:

Pea 1: shameless 

Pea 2: I hate this group and these nicknames can we please change them?

Pea 3: permission to remove Hunk for being a hater?

Pea 1: denied

Pea 3: awww nuts

Pea 1: don’t you mean... PEAnuts?

Pea 2: this needs to end right now

———————————————————-

[6:00pm] Lance >> Keith

Lance: Pidge said if she wasn’t a lesbian she would tap that

Lance: and by that I mean your ass

Keith: sweet

Keith: if I wasn’t me I would tap that too

Lance: you’re disgustingly self absorbed

Keith: in a world where no one else will love you, you need to learn to love yourself

Lance: did you read that somewhere?

Keith: Just quoting an entry from my diary written a week after my parents abandoned me

Keith: I was a very depressed 7 year old

Lance: and a poetic one

Keith: I try my best

———————————————————-

[6:02pm] Keith >> Pidge

Stablord: if you do change your sexuality any time soon you’re more than welcome to tap my ass

Booklord: why thank you

Booklord: I’ll take it into consideration

Stablord: cool

———————————————————

[6:10pm] Matt >> Shiro

Matthew: Shiro, my friend, your little brother is whipped

Senpai: oh Matthew you don’t need to remind me

Senpai: His whipped ass was the only thing piqueing my interest all day

Matthew: I’m not sure you should be talking about staring at your brothers butt

Senpai: yeah that looks bad out of context

Senpai: I think it’s cute that you said butt instead of ass. That’s real mature of you

Matthew: suck my butt, Shiro

Senpai: MAtUritY

———————————————————

[6:12pm] Shiro >> Keith

Original Traitor: Matt just told me, unprompted, that your ass is whipped for Lance

Traitor: why is everyone talking about my ass tonight?

———————————————————

[6:49pm] Lance >> Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

Booboo: I need a new nickname. Someone change it for me

Pidge changed Lance’s name to: invalid

Dicc: my god

Dicc: it’s perfect

The fool: why thank you ma’am

Invalid: not even gonna touch that

Yogi: Booboo?

Invalid: ... Yogi?

Yogi: BOOBOO

Invalid: YOGIIIII

Yogi: BOOOOOBOOOOO

Pidge changed Hunk’s name to: Valid

Valid: :)

Invalid: why does it always end like this?

The fool: cause you suck

Invalid: ugggh

Dicc: I can confirm that Lance sucks

Not a lesbean: Keith shut your bitch ass up Lance is a blessing to us all

Invalid: awwwooowwaaaa!!!! <3

Dicc: okay I’m calling it

Dicc: you guys have a secret group hat where you all talk about my ass

Not a lesbean: huh???

Dicc: Dont huh me I know you’re in on it too

Invalid: for reals Keith what the fuck are you talking about?

Dicc: 6pm Lance messages me about how Pidge would tap my ASS if she wasn’t a lesbian

The fool: I’m glad this is out in the open

Dicc: 6:12pm Shiro messages me about how my ASS is ‘whipped’

Invalid: your ass is whipped for who?

Dicc: unimportant

Dicc: 7:03pm Allura tells me to shut my bitch ASS up

Dicc: 7:05pm I am conducting an investigation

The fool: that is interesting but I am being completely honest when i say I am not a part of this ‘group chat’

Dicc: LIES

Not a lesbean: Yeah there’s definitely no group chat

Invalid: why would we even have a group chat about your ass??

Not a lesbean: I must admit Keith does have a great ass

The fool: agreed

Dicc: am I just a piece of meat to you girls?

Not a lesbean: Yeah 

Pidge changed Keith’s name to: piece of meat

Piece of meat: what did I do to deserve this?

Not a lesbean: it’s not your fault you have a cute butt. Sometimes it just be that way

Piece of meat: I guess that makes sense

———————————————————-

[7:20pm] Lance >> Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

Invalid: yo you guys remember like ten minutes ago when Keith thought we had a seperate group chat where we discuss his butt

Invalid: that was so random, right?

The fool: totally

The fool: he must be pretty up himself if he actually thought that

Invalid: I know right what a weirdo

Oprah: I definitely wouldn’t put cockiness past Keith. He once told me he was the greatest person ever to live. Ten minutes later he ran into a pole and nearly knocked himself out

Invalid: I really appreciate these little anecdotes about Keith’s failures

Oprah: I’ve got plenty to tell if you want to hear them

Invalid: can’t wait

Piece of meat: I’m done here

Keith Kogane left the group

Valid: you guys are mean :(

Hunk Garrett added Keith Kogane to the group

Valid: stop being mean to Keith or I’ll kick you out

Invalid: you say ‘Keith’ but all I hear is ‘bitch’

Hunk Garrett removed Lance McClain from the group

Valid: I wasn’t joking

Keith: Thank you, Hunk. My only friend :’)

———————————————————

[7:25pm] Keith >> Lance

Keith: hahaha 

Keith: pussy

Lance: bitch

Keith: butthead

Lance: shitty hair

Keith: [blocked]

Lance: that’s just not fair (message failed to send)

Lance: fuk you really did block me (message failed to send)

———————————————————-

[8:01pm] Allura >> Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant

Allura Altea added Lance McClain 

Allura changed Keith’s name to: the bakery

The bakery: why?

Not a lesbean: cause you got them hot buns son

The bakery: :|

The fool: He is DONE

The fool: Just look at that face

The fool: Keith’s out for blood

Not a lesbean: What’s he gonna do? Cut me with his bread knife

The bakery: I’ll throw croissants at you

The fool: first of all that’s a great picture you’ve put in my head

The fool: second, does that count as quoting the vine of the day??

Valid: I think that’s the closest we’re gonna get. 

The fool: then you owe us a random fact, Keith

The bakery: did you know when we were younger Shiro tried to bounce a basketball and it bounced back up and hit him in the face?

The fool: no offence but you two seem real stupid

The fool: running into poles, hit in the face with a basket ball??

The fool: it’s a wonder you don’t have severe brain damage

Not a lesbean: who’s saying they don’t

The fool: lmao

Valid: I know I said no picking on Keith but that was a pretty good burn

The bakery: @Allura I’ve got an armful of croissants and I’m coming for you

Not a lesbean: yum

Valid: Hey Allura I’ve just had an idea. Can you say the word ‘fremulon’ for me?

Not a lesbean: uhhhh..??

Not a lesbean: fremulon?

Hunk changed Allura’s name to: Not a doctor

The fool: NINE NINE

The fool: Hunk remind me to give you a high five next time I see you

Not a doctor: I don’t get it???

Valid: GURL

Valid: EDUCATE YO SELF

The bakery: Yeah I don’t get it either

The fool: the fucking audacity

The fool: hunk bake some croissants so we can throw them at the two losers over here

Valid: already on it

Not a doctor: I still don’t get it

The bakery: I looked it up. It’s from some dumb cop show 

Valid: oh man I am so close to removing you right now

The bakery: if you do I’ll peg stale croissants at your door

Valid: please don’t

Valid: you’ll wake Lance up and he gets real cranky when he’s woken up

The fool: fucking LANCE

The fool: it’s 8:30!

The fool: WHAT THE FUCK

The bakery: sook

The bakery: looks like I’m baking more fucking croissants

The fool: I’ll come help you launch them at him

Valid: oh jeez

Not a doctor: is this why he’s always blowing the group chat up at like 5 in the morning

Valid: Yeah

Not a doctor: typical

Not a doctor: Keith, Pidge I’m helping you launch those croissants!

The fool: delightful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed all the characters kind of objectify Keith in the first couple chapters so I just kind of took that and ran with it
> 
> You guys are seriously the best!  
> I love your crazy comments and I love writing this shitshow for you all!!


	5. Ass pranks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [4:15pm] Allura >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad
> 
> Allura: Hes gonna give me $30 if I snitch
> 
> Hunk: this has gone too far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update I literally gave up on this chapter for like a week :(

[7:00am] Lance >> road work ahead

Invalid: IT IS WEDNESDAY MY DUDES

Pidge changed the group name to: it is wednezday my dudez

The fool: hoyaaaaaaaaa

The bakery: I see what you did there

Invalid: you get it? Cause it’s.. Wednesday?

The bakery: I literally just said I see what you did there

Invalid: >:(

———————————————————-

[3:31pm] Lance >> new group 

Lance McClain added Allura Altea

Lance McClain added Hunk Garrett 

Lance McClain added Takashi Shirogane

Lance McClain added Pidge Holt 

Lance changed the group name to: Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Allura: Lance get over it it’s been like 3 days since he started his investigation 

Pidge: OwO

Lance: He keeps fucking bringing it up I had to make a chat

Hunk: dksnsjsnshah he’s gonna be so pissed

Lance: I know this is hilarious

Lance: Okay Team! Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to bring up Keith’s ass whenever physically possible

Shiro: I’m in

Pidge: same

Hunk: I feel like this will end badly but I’m joining anyway

Allura: fuck it let’s go 

Shiro: it’ll be even better if we make it seem like we’ve been talking about his butt with each other

Lance: how do you mean??

Shiro: just follow my lead

———————————————————-

[3:44pm] Shiro >> it is Wednezday my dudez 

Oprah: guys I legit saw an egg roll that looked like Keith’s ass today

Oprah: I should’ve taken a picture

Oprah: I’m so glad we made this group chat where we talk about my brothers butt

Invalid: Shiro.... you’re in the wrong group chat!2!1!2!3!

Oprah: oh fuck

Oprah: OH FUCK IVE RUINED EVERYTHING

Not a doctor: ffs Shiro now he’s gonna know about the group chat

Oprah: I’m so sorry guys I can’t believe I just ruined everything

The fool: god fucking Dammit I’m gonna miss that group chat that we made so we could talk about Keith’s butt in private

The fool: we made so many memories on that chat

The fool: ...without Keith

Valid: she died so young

Valid: that group chat that we made

Valid: at the ripe age of five days

The bakery: I FUCKING KNEW IT

The bakery: WHY DO YOU HAVE A GROUPCHAT ABOUT MY ASS

———————————————————-

[3:50pm] Pidge >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Pidge: DONT FUCKING TALK ON THE OTHER GROUP FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES I WANNA SEE HIS HEAD EXPLODE

Allura: HAHAHAHAHAHG

Allura: fuck he’s gonna lose his shit

Shiro: I can’t believe he bought it so easily

Lance: you guys are all evil master minds and I LOVE IT

Lance: SHIRO I NEED TO GIVE YOU A HIGH FIVE

———————————————————-

[3:51pm] Keith >> it is wednezday my dudez

The bakery: FUCK MY DETECTIVE SKILLS ARE IMMACULATE 

The bakery: I DESERVE LIKE A NOBEL PRIZE OR SOMETHING

The bakery: wait where’s everyone gone?

The bakery: YOURE ALL TALKING SHIT ON MY ASS CHAT ARENT YOU

The bakery: I CANT BELIEVE THIS

The bakery: IM FILING A COMPLAINT 

———————————————————-

[3:52pm] Hunk >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Hunk: not going to lie this actually pretty funny

Pidge: Hahahah ass chat

Allura: Hes gonna be so fucking paranoid

Shiro: HES AT MY DOOR

Shiro: HE IS DEMANDING PROOF

Lance: HAHSNDKSJSJSNSH

Shiro: don’t add me back in until I say

Takashi Shirogane left the group

Lance: hahahah fuck I love sibling rivalries

Allura: Keith’s probably stabbed him about six times by now 

Pidge: it was worth it

Hunk: I wonder what’s actually happening 

———————————————————-

[4:01pm] Shiro >> Lance

Shiro: Lance add me back in holy shit

———————————————————-

[4:01pm] Lance >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Lance McClain added Takashi Shirogane

Shiro: Guys oh my god hahahah

Pidge: hahahdnfj What happened?

Shiro: He came in and beat me up until I gave him my phone

Shiro: and then he went through the messages and there was nothing there because I removed myself

Shiro: And oh god guys you should have SEEN HIS FACE

Shiro: HE WAS SO CONFUSED

Lance: HAHAHAHAHHAHDJSH

Hunk: I’m starting to feel just a little bit bad about this

Lance: NO KEEO IT TOGETHER HUNK

Allura: HES GONNA COME STAB ME NEXT JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE

———————————————————-

[4:04pm] Lance >> Keith

Lance: Dude chill out

Keith: I am chill. There’s no group chat. I’m fine.

Lance: what???

Lance: there is a group chat

Keith: no there isn’t

Keith: I checked Shiro’s phone there is no group chat

Lance: obviously you didn’t check hard enough cause there’s a group chat

Keith: no. There’s not.

Lance: I will add you into the group chat just to show you that there is

Keith: no. you. won’t. because. there. Is. No. Group. Chat.

Lance: Okay fine have it your way

———————————————————-

[4:08pm] Lance >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Lance: i just messaged him saying there is a group chat

Lance: he started over punctuating 

Lance: HES LOSING HIS MIND

Pidge: hahahdnshsns fuck

———————————————————-

[4:10pm] Keith >> Allura

Keef: Allura I will give you $3 if you tell me the truth!

———————————————————-

[4:11pm] Allura >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Allura: ooooh he wants to bargain with me

Pidge: owo

———————————————————-

[4:12pm] Allura >> Keith

Aloora: the truth about what, hun?

Keef: don’t play these games Allura you know what I’m talking about

Aloora: nah uh

Keef: The fucking group chat

Aloora: ohhhhh

Aloora: Sorry you’re gonna have to raise your price if you want me to snitch

Keef: $10

Keef: I’m not fucking around here

Aloora: hmmm getting better

Aloora: okay maybe I do have information but I’m gonna need more green from you

Keef: $20

Aloora: nah

Keef: $30

Aloora: that’s what I like to hear

———————————————————-

[4:15pm] Allura >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Allura: Hes gonna give me $30 if I snitch

Hunk: this has gone too far

———————————————————-

[4:15pm] Allura >> Keith

Aloora: Okay there is a groupchat

Keef: and somehow I don’t trust you

Keef: I take back my $30 

Aloora: noooooooo

———————————————————-

[4:18pm] Hunk >> Keith

Hunk: there is a groupchat

Hunk: Lance made it like an hour ago so we could mess with you

Keith: and why should I believe you??

Hunk: cause I felt bad so I’m on your side now

Hunk: I can give you evidence

Keith: oh?

Hunk: [sent a photo]

Hunk: [sent a photo]

Hunk: does this work

Keith: they’re all dead to me

Keith: hey hunk how do you feel about revenge?

Hunk: Love it 

Hunk: when do we start?

Keith: hmmmmm

Keith: are you doing anything right now?

Hunk: my schedule is cleared

Keith: come over to mine so we can brainstorm

Hunk: ohohohoho

Hunk: Okay I’m bringing ice creams 

Hunk: hope you like maxibons 

Hunk: I promised to save one for Lance too so we can eat all of them

Keith: :0

Keith: And the revenge begins

———————————————————-

[4:30pm] Keith >> Hunk

Keith changed Hunk’s name to: James Bond

Hunk changed Keith’s name to: Jason Bourne

Jason Bourne: Jesus Christ

Jason Bourne: That’s Jason Bourne

James Bond: :D

James Bond: Hey same initials, JB

Jason Bourne: You’re god damn right

Jason Bourne: You know who else has these initials?

James Bond: .... Justin Bieber??

Jason Bourne: CANCELED

Jason Bourne: I quit the team

James Bond: awww dang

James Bond: Whi were you gonna say?

Jason Bourne: ... Jack Black

James Bond: mmmmm loved him in school of rock

Jason Bourne: Okay I’m BACK ON THE TEAM

Jason Bourne: Loved him in Kung fu panda

James Bond: Loved him in Kung fu panda 2

Jason Bourne: Loved him in Kung fu Panda 3

James Bond: mmmmm loved him in the new jumanji movie

Jason Bourne: HOLY SHIT THATS SO TRUE

James Bond: He deserved a god damn Oscar for that performance

Jason Bourne: agreeeed

Jason Bourne: why are we texting if we could just be having this conversation verbally

James Bond: you started it with the nickname changes 

Jason Bourne: Oh tru

———————————————————-

[4:50pm] Lance >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Lance: has he tried to contact anyone else?

Pidge: not me

Pidge: I’m offended. I thought we were friends but he doesn’t even trust me enough to ask me about the truth

Hunk: hasn’t contacted me

Hunk: and Pidge you’re currently deceiving him... why would he trust you?

Pidge: WE WATCHED SHANE DAWSON TOGETHER

Pidge: WE BONDED

Lance: Gross

Pidge: I’m gonna message him

———————————————————-

[4:52pm] Pidge >> Keith

Booklord: you know there’s actually no groupchat

Booklord: YOURE GHOSTING ME???

———————————————————-

[4:53pm] Pidge >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Pidge: He ghosted me hes pissed off

Shiro: Dammit

Shiro: maybe I should message him

———————————————————-

[4:55pm] Shiro >> Keith

Original traitor: KEEEEEEITH

Original traitor: keeeith I’m sorrrry

Original traitor: please don’t ignore me

———————————————————-

[5:00pm] Shiro >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Shiro: Okay Yeah hes pissed

Hunk: I told you guys this went too far

Hunk: if you hadn’t noticed already, I’m always right

Allura: okay cool down in the brags department Hunk, you’re starting to sound like Lance 

Lance: HEY

Allura: just speaking the truth

Allura: Anyway we should apologise

Shiro: that’s not enough

Shiro: I just apologised and he ignored me

Pidge: hmmmmm

———————————————————-

[5:01pm] Pidge >> it is wednezday my dudez

The fool: [sent a photo]

The fool: [sent a photo]

The fool: [sent a photo]

The fool: evidence that the group was only made this afternoon and this is all Lance’s fault

Invalid: HEYYYYY

Invalid: I am sincerely sorry for my small part in this prank

Valid: I’m sorry too. I did try to tell them to stop

Oprah: I already said sorry but I’ll say it again

Not a doctor: I’m sorry and I love you and your cute butt

The fool: KEIITTTHHHH STOP IGNORING USSSSSS

The fool: WE’RE SORRRRRRRYYYYYY

———————————————————-

[5:04pm] Shiro >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Shiro: Okay this isn’t going to work

Lance: we could offer him a small amount of money and in return ask him to forgive us

Pidge: you wanna bribe him???

Shiro: Keith doesn’t take bribes

Lance: HE JUST TRIED TO BRIBE ALLURA LIKE AN HOUR AGO

Allura: yes and look how that ended

Allura: radio silence

Hunk: I think the bribing could possibly work?

Hunk: we just need to make it a good bribe

Lance: what are you thinking??

Hunk: I have no idea but it can’t just be something stupid like a coupon for Walmart 

Hunk: ...lance 

Lance: THAT WAS ONE TIME

Pidge: haha I remember that

Pidge: Lance u suck

Lance: no u

Allura: back to the matter at hand

Allura: soMeONE come to the shops with me and we’ll just buy him a bunch of food

Pidge: oooooh I’ll come!!!

Allura: alright I’ll pick you up

Shiro: He likes sour candies

Lance: of course he does

Lance: fucking heathen

———————————————————-

[5:10pm] Hunk >> Keith

James Bond: Hey where’d you go?

Jason Bourne: I’m literally in the next room

James Bond: i dont wanna yell but I have exciting news 

Jason Bourne: ooooh What is it?

James Bond: Pidge and Allura are currently out shopping for schnacks

Jason Bourne: tell them what schnacks you like and tell them that I like them so you can have some too

Jason Bourne: does that message even make sense?

James Bond: has to read it a couple of times but it makes sense now

———————————————————-

[5:12pm] Hunk >> Keith’s ass appreciation squad

Hunk: he told me the the other day that he likes Reece’s peanut butter cups too

Lance: ‘,:|

Lance: But they’re your favourite..?

Lance: are you just trying to get them to buy you snacks too

Hunk: what? No. I just know cause we bonded over our mutual love for peanut butter cups

Hunk: I would never!

Lance: Okay I trust you

Lance: once you guys get the snacks are you just gonna give them to him?

Pidge: Nah we gonna keep them all for ourselves

Pidge: and stop spelling schnacks wrong or else I’ll come over to your dorm and steal all your girly face stuff 

Lance: FACE SCRUBS ARENT GIRLY

Lance: YOURE JUST TOO DUMB TO SEE THAT THEYRE IMPORTANT

Allura: HEY DONT CALL MY DAUGHTER DUMB

Allura: OR ELSE I’LL COME OVER AND SPIT IN ALL YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLES

Pidge: mama?

Allura: son?

Shiro: she would

Shiro: dont fuck with Allura she’s vengeful af

Allura: Shiro out here telling the truth

Allura: I legit threw his SnapBack out a window one time cause he called me a bitch

Lance: Shiro wore a snapback and called you a bitch??

Allura: Yeah

Allura: pretty sure he learned that behaviour from Keith

Lance: makes sense

Pidge: Lance used to wear snapbacks 

Pidge: he looked like a fuckboi

Lance: and yet I wasn’t getting any action at all

Pidge: r.i.p Lance’s love life

Lance: r.i.p Lance’s hopes and dreams

Shiro: r.i.p to my youth

Hunk: we should all go to Keith’s and sneak attack him

Allura: sounds fun. I’m gonna wear a ski mask and climb through his window

Shiro: and someone is going to call the police

Allura: worth it

Allura: well we’re nearly done getting schnacks. What if we meet at Keith’s dorm at about 5:35?

Lance: ughhhh I’m gonna miss out in so much shark footage

Shiro: huh?

Lance: ITS SHARK WEEK SHIRO. GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS

Shiro: Shark What?

Lance: FIDHSHAJSBSH

Shiro: I’m just messing with you. I know what shark week is

Lance: jdhnssbjssnjsj

Shiro: also, I will be there

Pidge: me toooooo

Hunk: I might be a bit late. Don’t wait up for me I’ll get there ASAP 

Lance: where to even are you?

Hunk: I’m in the library with a study group

Lance: oh okay

———————————————————-

[8:32pm] Keith >> It is wednezday my dudez

The bakery: [sent a video]

The bakery: can’t believe Lance screams like a girl

Invalid: Can’t believe you turned my best friend against me

The fool: can’t believe Hunk hid in Keiths closet for more than 5 minutes just to make Lance piss his pants

Not a doctor: can’t believe Keith hid in the closet for the first 16 years of his life

Oprah: can’t believe I hid in the closet for the first 18 years of my life

Not a doctor: you’re not very good at hiding. I knew you liked dick when I met you.

Oprah: WHAT

The fool: Hunk is like the definition of claustrophobic 

Invalid: I DIDNT PISS MY PANTS

The bakery: Can’t believe I shared all those snacks with you guys after you all betrayed me

Not a doctor: can’t believe Keith doesn’t know how to spell schnacks

Valid: can’t believe you guys thought I was mean enough to leave Keith out of the fun

Invalid: can’t believe you gave Keith the last maxibon after you promised me I could have one

Not a doctor: KEITH STOP EATING DAIRY

The bakery: LACTOSE IS MY BITCH NOW AND I WILL EAT IT WHENEVER I WANT

Not a doctor: yeah sure, if being in immense pain for the next few hours is making lactose your bitch

The bakery: I’ll admit, I do always regret it afterwards.

Oprah: I have a story about Keith and dairy..

The bakery: NO HE DOESNT

Oprah: ...

The bakery: DONT YOU DARE

Oprah: One time Keith drank two milkshakes in one day and we had to take him to the hospital because we though he was dying

Oprah: he cried the whole way there

Invalid: why two milkshakes?

The bakery: I was craving

The bakery: and I didn’t cry. I’m too tough.

Oprah: Allura, you were there. Did Keith cry?

Not a doctor: yeah. And I had to carry him into the hospital cause he wouldn’t move

Valid: Allura is a strong bitch

Not a doctor: the cinnamon roll said bitch, why is the world not imploding?

The fool: the world started imploding the day Lance was born

Invalid: ~because I’m so beautiful~

The fool: Nah cause it’s confused about how something could be born with a head shaped like that

Invalid: a head shaped like an angels?

The fool: like an isosceles triangle*

The bakery: Lance’s head is an upside down Illuminati 

Valid: Lance’s chin makes a perfect 90° angle

Not a doctor: Dorito

Oprah: pizza slice

Invalid: I should be offended but now I’m just really hungry for Doritos and pizza

The fool: confirmed: Lance is a cannibal

Invalid: :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... did y’all watch season 8? That shit hurted. Anyways I decided to post this now cause I don’t have anything to live for now that voltrons finished.


	6. I dedicate my life to our lord and saviour; Allura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a doctor: I WATCH VINES WITH YOU FOR AN HOUR AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME
> 
> Sick memes: yes
> 
> Not a doctor: I feel like I deserve this
> 
> Invalid: No, Allura you deserve the world
> 
> Valid: I would bake twenty lots of cookies for Allura just to make her smile
> 
> The bakery: Allura used to hang out with me when I wanted to skip class. She is the only girl I’ve ever loved :)
> 
> Oprah: Allura was friends with me even when I was an awkward teenager. She’s a true friend.
> 
> Sick memes: Allura is the prettiest girl I’ve ever met. 
> 
> Not a doctor: :0
> 
> Not a doctor: What’s with all the compliments all of a sudden?
> 
> Invalid: you deserved better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still wrecked after the final season wtf even was that? I miss my beautiful angel daughter and my gay sons ‘weren’t even gay for each other’? My life is ruined

[8:58am] Pidge >> Put That Candy Back

The fool: anyone got some tissues??

Invalid: why? Did you just find out Bigfoot is a hoax?

The bakery: anyone got a baseball bat?

Invalid: please don’t kill me

The bakery: Try me, Bitch

Invalid: Keith coming on strong with the vine of the day. And what is your random fact, boi?

The bakery: my random fact is I would sell all of you for a single corn chip

Invalid: bitch

The bakery: I would PAY someone to get rid of YOU

Invalid: BITCH

The fool: shut up both of you

The fool: I’m sick and I need tissues!

Invalid: awwww Pidgey nooooo

The fool: it’s just a cold but I hate it

Valid: I can come over for a bit but I have to go to class in an hour

The fool: :)

The fool: Hunk you’re the best!!!!

The fool: don’t bring anyone with you I’m disgusting

Valid: Okay I’m on my way

———————————————————

[9:45am] Allura >> Put That Candy Back

Not a doctor: Pidge! Baby girl I’m coming to help!

The fool: mama :’)

Valid: Thank god

Valid: I’ve gotta go to class but she’s literally dying. I can’t leave her alone!

Not a doctor: Hunk you’re a got damn cinnamon roll, you know that?

Valid: :D

Not a doctor: Pidgey, I’m coming to the rescue

The fool: (✿´‿`)

The fool: I wuv woo

———————————————————-

[10:32am] Allura >> Put That Candy Back

Not a doctor: Sick Pidge is just like normal Pidge. She loves watching vine compilations :)

Lance changed Pidge’s name to: Sick memes

Oprah: makes sense

Oprah: Pidge, do you want me to bring you some soup?

Sick memes: OOOooooOooh

Oprah: I’m going to take that as a yes

Oprah: what soup do you want?

Sick memes: Chicken noodle? Please?

Oprah: done 

Sick memes: SHIIRRROOO THANK YOUUU

The bakery: Shiro, you don’t even bring ME soup when I’m sick!

Oprah: You don’t get sick and you don’t like soup

The bakery: You got me there

Valid: Don’t get sick? Everyone gets sick sometimes

Oprah: you’d be surprised

The bakery: apparently living with a whole bunch of foster kids for most of your childhood really builds up your immune system

The bakery: That’s about the only up side

Valid: That actually kind of makes sense

Valid: maybe that’s why Lance doesn’t get sick much?

Oprah: Cause he’s got a big family? It’s possible

Valid: I must investigate as soon as I leave this classroom

———————————————————

[10:41am] Romelle >> Hunk

Gazelle: You wanna hang out?

Spunk: I’ve got class (ಥ_ಥ)

Gazelle: :(

Gazelle: I’m so sad that I don’t even wanna use the cool faces

Spunk: :,(

Spunk: what about after class? I finish in like an hour and a bit :)

Gazelle: \ (•◡•) /

Spunk: There it is!

Gazelle: Where do you wanna go?

Spunk: hmmmm?

Spunk: we could go to the movies?

Gazelle: Yes Yes Yes 

Spunk: ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Spunk: what do you wanna watch?

Gazelle: ooooh let me have a look

Gazelle: Do you like Harry Potter?

Spunk: YESSSS

Gazelle: Have you seen the new fantastic beasts yet?

Spunk: No I haven’t

Spunk: would you like to watch that one?

Gazelle: YESSSS

Spunk: Coolies I’ll see you in an hour

Gazelle: =^_^=

———————————————————

[11:48am] Lance >> Keith

Lance: Are you excited for Astro class this afternoon?

Keith: Are you stupid?

Lance: No

Keith: I’d rather die than go to astro

Lance: What? I thought you liked space and stuff

Keith: I do

Keith: I just hate the class

Keith: Iverson always death stares me during his lectures

Lance: he does?

Keith: All the time. He hates me!

Lance: I doubt that

Lance: maybe he just thinks you’re death staring him so he does it back

Lance: literally every time you look at me I think you’re going to stab me so I wouldn’t be surprised

Keith: that’s because I always think about stabbing you when I look at you 

Lance: good to know. 

Lance: But for reals I don’t think he hates you

Keith: I think he does

———————————————————

[11:53am] Hunk >> Lance

Hunkalicious: IM GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH ROMELLE

Lancelot: HECK YEAH

Lancelot: I’m proud of you!

Hunkalicious: IM FREAKING OUT LANCE

Lancelot: You’ll be fine

Lancelot: I’m like 98% sure she’s into you dude

Hunkalicious: WHAT

———————————————————

[11:54am] Romelle >> Allura

Cutie Patootie: ALLURA HEEEELLLPPPP

My Queen: waddup girl?

Cutie Patootie: IM GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH HUNK!!!!

My Queen: HOLY SHIT

My Queen: I’m on my way!

Cutie Patootie: Please hurry I need your makeup skills

My Queen: GIRL IM GONNA MAKE SURE YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ANGEL

Cutie Patootie: <3 <3 <3

———————————————————

[12:01pm] Shiro >> Put That Candy Back

Oprah: Good news everyone, Pidge got out of bed for the first time today

Invalid: SHE LIVES

The bakery: Proud of you, Pidge

Not a doctor: someone give that girl a medal

Sick memes: I hate all of you

Not a doctor: I WATCH VINES WITH YOU FOR AN HOUR AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME

Sick memes: yes

Not a doctor: I feel like I deserve this

Invalid: No, Allura you deserve the world

Valid: I would bake twenty lots of cookies for Allura just to make her smile

The bakery: Allura used to hang out with me when I wanted to skip class. She is the only girl I’ve ever loved :)

Oprah: Allura was friends with me even when I was an awkward teenager. She’s a true friend.

Sick memes: Allura is the prettiest girl I’ve ever met. 

Not a doctor: :0

Not a doctor: What’s with all the compliments all of a sudden?

Invalid: you deserved better

Not a doctor: ??

Valid: the writers really did you wrong

Not a doctor: writers?

Oprah: Allura is literally the “I dedicate my life to our lord and saviour Jesus Christ and this is the thanks I get.” Vine

The bakery: agreed

Not a doctor: I’m confused

Sick memes: Rest In Peace you beautiful angel

Not a doctor: I’m not dead?

Pidge changed Allura’s name to: Goddess

Invalid: Well this was fun. I’m gonna go cry now

Goddess: WHAT IS HAPPENING??

———————————————————-

[12:20pm] Shiro >> Matt

Senpai: Your little sister is sick. You should be looking after her

Matthew: she’ll get over it

Senpai: you’re a terrible person

Matthew: I know

Senpai: I’m disappointed in you

Matthew: wouldn’t be the first time 

Senpai: I dont even know if I can be friends with you anymore after this

Matthew: I’ll find new friends

Senpai: You’re not allowed to use my Netflix anymore

Matthew: OKAY IM COMING

Senpai: yay

Senpai: Bring lots of tissues

Senpai: and bring me a million dollars

Matthew: if I had a million dollars I would have already spent it all on e gift cards

Senpai: Of course you would :|

Matthew: And I’d buy my best friend chipotle

Senpai: : D

———————————————————-

[2:08pm] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: should I sit next to Keith in class today?

Lancelot: or do you think he would find that annoying?

Lancelot: I could just make up an excuse to sit next to him?

Lancelot: I could stick gum to my usual chair and then say that I had to sit next to him cause I didn’t wanna sit on the gum?

Lancelot: that’s a good idea?

Lancelot: what do you think?

Hunkalicious: Or you could just sit next to him and tell him it’s because you want to sit next to him

Lancelot: hmmmmm

Lancelot: Nah 

Hunkalicious: You’re never going to have anything with him if you don’t show him that you like him

Lancelot: I’m never going to have anything with him anyway, Hunk

Lancelot: He’s not interested

Hunkalicious: You don’t know that

Lancelot: like an hour ago he told me he imagines me getting stabbed every time he looks at me

Hunkalicious: Oh 

Hunkalicious: I’m sure he’s only joking

Hunkalicious: He always talks to you so I don’t think he dislikes you

Lancelot: you always talk to our neighbour and you literally hate his guts

Hunkalicious: yes well I’m an impulsive people pleaser. Keith is not.

Hunkalicious: if Keith doesn’t want to talk to you he’s probably not gonna talk to you

Lancelot: I guess...

Hunkalicious: Sorry. I gotta go dude, I’m being rude.

Lancelot: Oh, right

Lancelot: HAVE FUN ON YOUR DATE ~~

———————————————————

[2:39] Keith >> Shiro

Kevth: should I ask Lance to sit next to me in class later? I have a spare seat next to me.

Shvro: Yes

Kevth: Well That was easy

Shvro: Yes

———————————————————-

[3:08pm] Lance >> Put That Candy Back

Invalid: What’s everyone’s dream occupation? Go!

Goddess: Journalist

Goddess: or like a news anchor. That would be cool!

Invalid: That sounds awesome! I wanna see you on the tv!

Goddess: Give it a couple of years and maybe you will :0

Invalid: Can’t Wait!

Invalid: what about you Shiro?

Oprah: Garbage man

Invalid: :/

Oprah: Forensics

Invalid: Oooooh mysteriouso

Goddess: Nerd

Oprah: shut up weather girl

Goddess: D:

Invalid: Why forensics?

Oprah: I watched too many crime shows as a kid

Invalid: I can respect that

The bakery: What’s with all the questions?

Sick memes: My guess is he wants to know so he can write in his scrapbook

Pidge changed Lance’s name to: inspector gadget

Goddess: YOU HAVE A SCRAPBOOK

Inspector gadget: No

Sick memes: yes he does

Inspector gadget: No I don’t

Goddess: SCRAPBOOKS ARE COOL

Goddess: I had a scrapbook in high school but I got lazy and gave up

Inspector gadget: Fine. I have a scrapbook.

Inspector gadget: BUT THATS NOT WHY IM ASKING

Inspector gadget: I’m just bored.

Inspector gadget: Keith?

The bakery: Pilot

Inspector gadget: Commercial or like.. the fast ones?

The bakery: I don’t care. I just wanna fly something.

Inspector gadget: if you become a pilot can you fly me everywhere for free?

The bakery: no

Inspector gadget: :(

Inspector gadget: Well I know what Pidge wants to do

Sick memes: and what’s that?

Inspector gadget: paranormal investigator

The bakery: I take back my thing. I wanna go look for sasquatches with Pidge!

Sick memes: Lance is wrong

Sick memes: Soz, Keith. I dont wanna be broke.

The bakery: That’s fair. Paranormal investigators literally earn nothing

Sick memes: unrecognised talent

Sick memes: we could still do it as a hobby?

The bakery: I’d like that

Sick memes: it’s decided then

Inspector gadget: well if you’re not gonna do that then what are you going to do?

Sick memes: probably just invent the next google or something

Inspector gadget: oh yeah just something super casual

Sick memes: exactly

Goddess: what’re you gonna call your new google?

Sick memes: probably like.. bob or something

Inspector gadget: Short and sweet. I like it.

Sick memes: Thank you, Lance.

Sick memes: and what are you gonna do with your life?

Inspector gadget: Just continue being awesome I guess

Oprah: Wait I wanna guess

Inspector gadget: go ahead

Oprah: hand model

Inspector gadget: haha no wtf?

Goddess: Lance does have nice hands.

Inspector gadget: why thank you

The bakery: Male prostitute

Inspector gadget: you wish

The bakery: ?

Goddess: I know! You’ll be a presenter for shark week!

Inspector gadget: close

Inspector gadget: I will be a marine biologist

Sick memes: FISHIES

Inspector gadget: indeed

The bakery: so you’re gonna swim around with sharks and stuff?

Inspector gadget: I guess

The bakery: tight 

Oprah: where’s Hunk?

Inspector gadget: On a date ;)

Goddess: It’s not a date

Inspector gadget: I know.. but I wish it was.

Goddess: same tbh

Oprah: Who’s he with?

Inspector gadget: ~Romelle~

Oprah: Go Hunk!

Inspector gadget: I know right

Goddess: to be young and in love ~~

Goddess: I remember my first date with Lotor 

Inspector gadget: I WANT THE DETS

Sick memes: I am not about that sappy lovey shit but I would much rather hear about that than listen to my brother talk about his day

Oprah: you two are sucky siblings

Sick memes: you tease Keith at every opportunity too

Oprah: true

Inspector gadget: anyway, Allura tell us your story!!

Goddess: we actually went to this really cool Teppanyaki place. Lotor’s really into cultural experiences so that was fun.

Goddess: And they throw your food at you and stuff which is always exciting!

Inspector gadget: that does actually sound pretty fun for a first date

Inspector gadget: did ya kiss him

Goddess: only on the cheek (//>_>

Invalid: my dream date is a picnic on the beach

——————————————————————

[3:37pm] Shiro >> Keith

Shvro: you might want to start taking notes ;)

Kevth: Shut the FUCK up shiro

Shvro: ;)))))

———————————————————

[3:38pm] Allura >> Put That Candy Back

Goddess: ooooooh me likey 

Goddess: day time or night time?

Inspector gadget: Like afternoon.. maybe

Goddess: so romantic!

Goddess: then y’all could go skinny dipping when it gets darker

Inspector gadget: and get arrested for public nudity. Sounds perfect ;)

Goddess: couples who get arrested together stay together.

Inspector gadget: yeah, in a prison cell

Goddess: Hahahah true

———————————————————

[8:12pm] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: How is the date going hunky boy?

Hunkalicious: I actually just dropped her home

Lancelot: awwwwwww

Lancelot: you’ve been out for a long time. Where’d you guys even go? 

Hunkalicious: movies and then dinner

Lancelot: aawwwwwwwwwwwww

Lancelot: did you pay for her dinner

Hunkalicious: Of course

Lancelot: good boy!

Lancelot: And did you get a kiss?

Hunkalicious: no

Hunkalicious: ...I think maybe she wanted to though

Hunkalicious: I chickened out :(

Lancelot: gabhZusndbsjzbsh Hunk!

Hunkalicious: I know I know

Lancelot: but if you think she wanted to you still have a chance

Hunkalicious: I hope so

Hunkalicious: I really like her, Lance

Lancelot: djsvahsbshsndjdndjsnsban

Hunkalicious: like I know we haven’t known each other that long but I haven’t felt this way about a girl in a long time

Lancelot: OH MY GOD THIS IS SO EXCITING

Lancelot: you need to get here right now AND TELL ME EVERYTHING

Hunkalicious: Okay I will

Hunkalicious: by the way did you sit next to Keith?

Lancelot: yes I did

Hunkalicious: I AM PROUD

Lancelot: we made fun of our professor the whole time and it was amazing

Hunkalicious: djsvagsbshsndjdndjs

———————————————————-

[8:24pm] Keith >> Shiro

Kevth: so I didn’t ask Lance to sit next to me

Kevth: he asked first

Kevth: Something about there being gum on his chair?

Kevth: except he didn’t even go and check his chair before he asked

Kevth: there’s no way he could have known??

Shvro: He was probably just looking for an excuse to sit with you

Kevth: maybe

Kevth: seems pretty dumb though

Kevth: oh god Shiro I’ve got a crush on an absolute imbecile

Shvro: CRUSH?

Kevth: WAIT NO!

Shvro: YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A CRUSH

Kevth: ITS NOT A CRUSH

Kevth: I DONT GET CRUSHES

Shvro: YOU JUST SAID IT WAS!

Shvro: HAHAHAHAHAH IM TELLING MUM!

Kevth: DONT

Kevth: ITS NOT A CRUSH I JUST THINK HES COOL

Shvro: YOU SAID IT WAS A CRUSH!!

Kevth: I DIDNT MEAN IT

Kevth: SHIRO STOP

Shvro: THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Kevth: I DONT HAVE A CRUSH

Shvro: YES

Shvro: YOU

Shvro: DO

Kevth: NO

Shvro: He has emotions

Shvro: I can’t believe my little brother has a crush

Shvro: I am so invested in this now

Shvro: Lance is going to be my brother in law

Shvro: oh no that’s not a good thing...

Shvro: wait till mum meets him

Shvro: She’ll love him I’m sure

Shvro: can I be your best man?

Shvro: I’m already writing my best man speech

Shvro: wow this is invigorating (message failed to send)

Shvro: KEITH NO I WANNA TLK ABOUT THIS (message failed to send)

Shvro: you suck! (Message failed to send)

———————————————————

[8:31pm] Lance >> Put That Candy Back

Inspector gadget: permission to add Romelle to the group?

Goddess: omg yes

Sick memes: yes!

Oprah: go ahead

Valid: oh god okay

Inspector gadget: where’s Keith? I need his permission

Oprah: Hes probably listening to emo music and having an existential crisis

Oprah: I’m sure he’s fine with it

———————————————————

[8:32pm] Shiro >> Keith

Shvro: oooooohh Lance wants your permission. That’s so hot ;) (message failed to send)

———————————————————

[8:33pm] Lance >> Put That Candy Back

Inspector gadget: Okay I’m adding her

Lance McClain added Romelle

Lance changed Romelle’s name to: Pigtails

Pigtails: is this the sacred groupchat I’ve been hearing about?

Goddess: Welcome to the shit show Rommie

Pigtails: (╯°□°)╯︵

Goddess: I think she’s excited!

Goddess: yep she’s jumping on my bed

Pigtails: I feel blessed!

Sick memes: it’s good to have another girl in the group

Sick memes: I feel like I’ve been swimming in dicks for the last two weeks

Oprah: you could have easily worded that a lot better

Sick memes: I used imagery so you guys could understand the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All you guys saying you consider this fic to be cannon are literally the best. I love you guys and I’m so thankful for your support!


	7. Ur a mean one Mr Grinch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valid: anyway. We were thinking we should do secret santa this year
> 
> Oprah: Okay That does sound kind of fun
> 
> Big Fat Rip: does that mean I have to buy even more gifts?
> 
> Waffle Muncher: just one more gift
> 
> Pigtails: This is exciting! I’m in!
> 
> Waffle Muncher: See Pidge, Romelle likes the idea
> 
> Goddess: I’m in too. I hope I get Keith, I’m gonna buy him a giant rainbow dildo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And more bullshit

[7:00am] Lance >> what’s the scoop? Penis!

Invalid: Good credit? bad credit? no credit? no problem. Are you dead? Fuck it! Ghost credit.

Invalid: I’m gonna buy a Subaru!

Pidge changed the group name to: I’m gonna buy a SuBaRu

Sick memes: I have a request

Sick memes: can we Change my name? I haven’t been sick for like a week

Invalid: we can’t just change your name at the drop of a hat

Invalid: it has to come naturally

Sick memes: ITS BEEN A WEEK LANCE

Sick memes: A WEEK

Invalid: soz I don’t make the rules around here

Goddess: I like sick memes

Goddess: it’s fun

Sick memes: OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS ALLURA DOING ON THE GROUPCHAT BEFORE 9am

Goddess: I have work :(((((((((((((((

Sick memes: That’s a big fat rip

Allura changed Pidge’s name to: Big Fat Rip

Goddess: I know. It sucks

Big Fat Rip: thanks. I hate it

Goddess: you wanted to change your name!

Big Fat Rip: Not to this

Invalid: 3..2...1... Let it RIP

Invalid: r.i.p beyblades

Big Fat Rip: Beyblades sucked

Big Fat Rip: no matter where I went I could always hear those little losers at school playing beyblades

Invalid: even when you were at home?

Big Fat Rip: even at home

Big Fat Rip: Those words haunted my dreams 

Goddess: Nah it was probably just Matt in the next room watching beyblades

Big Fat Rip: actually I think you might be on to something..

Goddess: I DONT WANNA GO TO WORK

Big Fat Rip: but the money

Goddess: :0 I do love the money

Goddess: but the mean customers

Goddess: and the twelve year olds ordering Pumpkin Spice Lattessssss

Goddess: it never ends

Invalid: Pumpkin spice Lattes suck

Invalid: what do they even put in those things?

Big Fat Rip: pumpkin, spice, latte...

Goddess: and milk of course

Big Fat Rip: oh right and milk

Big Fat Rip: unless you’re Keith. Cause milk gives him a tummy ache

The Bakery: all the more reason to put the milk in

Goddess: mood

Big Fat Rip: I ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONED HIM

The bakery: okay bye

Invalid: l8errrr sk8errrrr

Big Fat Rip: And Lance is still living in 2009

Invalid: h8errrrr

Goddess: fuck that looks so weird to me

Big Fat Rip: that’s cause he threw a number in between a bunch of fucking letters

Goddess: makes sense. I always sucked at algebra :/

Goddess: anyways I gotta go sell over-priced drinks to a bunch of trendy teenagers

Goddess: if I don’t see y’all on the other side, don’t invite Shiro to my funeral

Invalid: why?

Goddess: cause he’ll commit suicide out of respect and steal my thunder 

Big Fat Rip: I can see him doing that

Goddess: right?

Goddess: anyway love you guys byeeeeee

Big Fat Rip: byeeee Lura <3

Invalid: Have fun at work! Xx

Big Fat Rip: And now I’m stuck talking to the biggest idiot in the world

Invalid: :,(

The Bakery: Haha get rekt Lance

Big Fat Rip: Two biggest idiots*

The Bakery: >:,(

Big Fat Rip: soMeONE hang out with me I’m Boreeexdddds

The Bakery: What’s up with your keyboard?

Big Fat Rip: it’s seen too many memes

Invalid: I will hang out 

Invalid: I am also bored

Big Fat Rip: yossss

Big Fat Rip: you coming butt head?

The Bakery: you talkin to me, pussy?

Big Fat Rip: Yes. Are you coming?

The bakery: I am at gym getting big

Invalid: getting big ego

The bakery: No amount of weights will ever give me a bigger ego than yours

Invalid: fuck off

Invalid: bet you’re not even at the gym

Big Fat Rip: he’s fishing for more gym selfies

Invalid: no im not

The Bakery: if he wants a gym selfie he’s going to have to pay

Invalid: pffft

Invalid: why would I pay for a photo of you

Invalid: I see your dumb face every day for free

Invalid: oh wait he’s sending me a Snapchat

Invalid: and it’s just a black screen and the words ‘fuck you’

Big Fat Rip: Thank god I thought it was gonna be a dick pic

Invalid: Can’t send a dick pic if your dicks too small to even see

Big Fat Rip: Boys And their dick measuring contests

The Bakery: Nah my dicks so big it wouldn’t even fit on the screen

Big Fat Rip: I’m leaving

Invalid: no come back

Invalid: Keith, no one wants to hear about you dick

Big Fat Rip: Yeah, Keith! No one wants to hear about your dick

Big Fat Rip: except for Lance maybe

The bakery: Lance you fucking pervert!

Invalid: I literally said nothing

The Bakery: Okay well my gym partner got bored of me being on my phone so she left

The Bakery: you guys suck

The Bakery: What are we doing

Big Fat Rip: Come to my house, children

Big Fat Rip: I have Netflix and schnacks

Invalid: Oh boy I can’t wait to get kidnapped

———————————————————-

[8:15am] Hunk >> I’m gonna buy a SuBaRu

Valid: are you guys still at Pidge’s?

Invalid: yes. Join us!

Valid: Okie dokie

———————————————————-

[9:27am] Matt >> Shiro

Matthew: Come play fucking Mario Kart with me

Senpai: okAYyy

———————————————————-

[10:04am] Matt >> Keith

Lemme smash: Your brother fucking sucks at Mario Kart

U want sum fuk: I know this

U want sum fuk: race him in rainbow road 

U want sum fuk: he hates that course

Lemme smash: Omgs I will

———————————————————-

[10:10am] Matt >> Keith

Lemme smash: HE THREW THE WII REMOTE

U want sum fuk: hahaha 

U want sum fuk: how many times did he fall off?

Lemme smash: like 12??

Lemme smash: he didn’t even finish the level

U want sum fuk: tell him to pick up that wii remote and keep going

U want sum fuk: mama Shirogane didn’t raise no quitter

Lemme smash: he says “Who raised you then?”

U want sum fuk: I raised myself thank you very much

U want sum fuk: and I’m not a quitter

Lemme smash: that’s what she said

U want sum fuk: :/

U want sum fuk: I hate you

Lemme smash: :,(

———————————————————-

[11:48am] Lance >> I’m gonna buy a SuBaRu

Invalid: I can now confirm that the grinch is the worst Christmas movie ever

Big Fat Rip: excuse?? Me???

Invalid: you only like it cause you are literally the Grinch

Big Fat Rip: I do hate Christmas 

Big Fat Rip: Buying presents for everyone is so stressful and I hate shopping 

Valid: boo you

Valid: Christmas is The Best

Invalid: agreed

The Bakery: I’m with Pidge, Christmas sucks

Pigtails: I like Christmas!

Invalid: Thank you romelle!

Invalid: finally someone with some sense

Pigtails: but I also like the grinch

Invalid: You’re dead to me

Pigtails: he’s so grumpy all the time. It’s funny

Big Fat Rip: sounds like Keith 

The Bakery: HEY

Invalid: polar express is the best Christmas movie

The Bakery: fucking POLAR EXPRESS?

The Bakery: Polar express is The Worst Christmas Movie Ever

Invalid: !!!!!!!

Invalid: what is wrong with you?

Valid: I liked the Santa Clause movies

Valid: but like only the first one

Big Fat Rip: Yeah the rest of them were crap

Big Fat Rip: The Grinch is probably my fav

Pigtails: I like Elf

Invalid: omg YES

Invalid: weirdest but coolest movie ever

The Bakery: no. Home alone!

The Bakery: Kid gets left behind by his parents so he has to fend for himself. Story of my life.

Big Fat Rip: man you have the saddest anime backstory

The Bakery: meh

Invalid: Keep the change, ya filthy animal

The Bakery: hagahavshasnss 

Valid: I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen Keith keyboard smash

The Bakery: I just really like home alone

Oprah: Love Actually

Valid: sksvsjsbsjzahsj

Valid: Love Actually is the best

Valid: The little kid is the CUTEST

Invalid: Colin Firth and the Portuguese girl were my favourites

Invalid: When they learned to speak each other’s language! I felt that

Pigtails: That was cute

Pigtails: I liked the singer dude. He was funny

Valid: his assistant or whatever is literally me with Lance

Invalid: explain?

Valid: you do weird shit and I just have to sit there and pretend I don’t know you

Invalid: :’(

———————————————————-

[12:21pm] Lance >> Keith

Lance: Hey Keith, can I ask you a kind of private question?

Keith: I’m not sending you dick pics, Lance

Lance: djdbsjsbsj No that’s not what I was going to ask!

Keith: Okay What is it then?

Lance: it was actually about your childhood..

Keith: Oh

Lance: Sorry, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to

Keith: no it’s okay I was just surprised

Keith: usually people are too uncomfortable to ask

Lance: I just didn’t want to assume anything, you know

Lance: Cause when you first mentioned you were adopted I kind of got these ideas in my head that probably weren’t true

Keith: Okay 

Keith: if you want to know I’m happy to tell you

Keith: do you want the completely honest story or the one where I pretend my childhood didn’t fuck me up just a little bit?

Lance: Oh Jeez 

Lance: the honest one

Keith: Okay then, give me a minute

Lance: okie dokie 

Keith: So I lived with my parents for the first four years. Then they both passed away in an accident. My parents weren’t from around here so obviously I didn’t have any relatives to live with. So they put me in a big foster home, like one of those ones where you wait to get adopted. I got adopted pretty quickly because I was so young (and handsome of course) and because it was my first adoptive family I thought they would keep me around forever. I stayed there for almost a year before they decided I wasn’t a good fit.

Keith: is this making sense?

Lance: Yeah 

Keith: Okay so if you don’t fit with the first family you kind of get fucked over for a while. The next family was probably too nice. I was seven when they adopted me and possibly a little too eager about wanting things to work out properly. So I’d offer to do things around the house, I’d work hard to get good grades at school, I’d behave myself at home, if I got upset about anything I’d deal with it myself. They felt bad so they started to encourage me to talk to them and to do things that weren’t homework and studying. When I refused they sent me back. I think that one was for the best. I made myself pretty miserable with them and I think they could see that.

Keith: Next home I was eight and after the disaster that was the last home I decided to go the other way. I’d start fights with their kids, get bad grades, behave terribly. That one did not last long. After that I went to a few different homes that all ended badly.

Keith: Then I went to Shiro’s parents. After being rejected by so many family’s you kind of hope you won’t get adopted again. So I just did everything I could to get out of there. I fought with Shiro ALL the time, He didn’t even try and fight me so I’d just hit him or tell his mum that he hit me or just anything to get them to send me back. And for the first time ever I got help. If I hit Shiro I’d get in trouble but then I’d get an explanation for why I shouldn’t hit him. If I did well in a test I was rewarded. If I did badly they would take the time to show me how to fix my mistakes. If I got into fights at school they would ask why it happened and explain how I could have dealt with things in a different way. They taught me how to cook and how to clean and they signed me up for sports and they’d stay there and watch me compete. They went to my school carnivals and presentations and they sent me to private school that they couldn’t afford so I could get the attention I needed. And after years of not being able to trust people, they gave me every reason to trust them.

Keith: Most of all Shiro wouldn’t fucking leave me alone. He’d drag me out of my room to go to the park and he’d show me stupid videos on YouTube and come and jump on my bed when he was bored. Even when I beat the crap out of him he’d come back an hour later just to show me this new thing he was excited about. The best part was he called me his little brother. It wasn’t “Keith the adopted kid” it was “my little brother, Keith.” And that shit blew my mind.

Keith: And I think that about sums things up

Lance: Wow 

Lance: That’s a lot to process

Lance: I’m glad things turned out well for you in the end though

Lance: I kind of wanna go give Shiro a hug now

Keith: lol same

Lance: thanks for sharing all that with me. I think I’d rather just hear the story from you than try and connect the dots myself. 

Lance: if that makes sense 

Keith: yeah it does

Keith: I’d rather you know too. I feel like when people don’t know the whole story it makes things uncomfortable

Keith: like they won’t talk about their own childhood cause they think they’re bragging or whatever. But I actually kind of like hearing about that stuff.

Lance: I can understand that

Keith: Anyway what are you doing right now?

Lance: Listening to whale noises at 100% volume

Keith: WHYY?

Lance: only cause Hunk hates it

Lance: you should see his face. He’s gonna snap

Keith: why would you do that to Hunk?

Keith: He is too pure 

Lance: cause he won’t pay attention to me

Keith: you are a child

Lance: yes

Keith: I wanna go get food. Would you like to join?

Lance: is that even a question?

Keith: Okay I’ll pick you up in 5?

Lance: yes!

———————————————————-

[12:50] Lance >> Hunk

Lancelot: Hunk stop ignoring me I have something to tell you

Hunkalicious: what do you want?

Lancelot: I’m gonna go have Lunch with Keith

Hunkalicious: does that mean..?

Hunkalicious: no more whale songs??

Lancelot: why can’t you just be happy for me?

Hunkalicious: I am

Hunkalicious: I’m happy for me too though

Hunkalicious: finally some peace and quiet!

Lancelot: :(

Hunkalicious: Okay where are you going with Keith?

Lancelot: I dunno

Hunkalicious: Wow. This is so exciting. Please tell me more.

Lancelot: Shut your mouth! It is exciting!

Lancelot: you know HE asked ME?

Hunkalicious: SEE I told you he doesn’t hate you

Lancelot: :,)

Hunkalicious: when are you leaving?

Lancelot: in like 1 minute

Hunkalicious: not with that hair you’re not

Lancelot: Oh shit you’re right

———————————————————-

[6:59am] Lance >> Ummm I never went to oovoo javer

Invalid: can I get a waffle?

Invalid: can I please get a waffle?

Pidge changed the group name to: can I get a waffle?

Invalid: No but for reals I want waffles

Pidge changed Lance’s name to: Waffle muncher

Waffle muncher: you’re just making me want waffles even more

Big Fat Rip: why don’t you just go get waffles?

Waffle muncher: Nah 

———————————————————

[11:16am] Hunk >> Can I get a waffle?

Valid: Lance and I have a proposition

Oprah: Lance? Used his brain for once?

Valid: To be fair it was mostly my idea

Waffle muncher: I’m just gonna go jump off a cliff if that’s okay

Goddess: you won’t do it, you’re scared

Valid: anyway. We were thinking we should do secret santa this year

Oprah: Okay That does sound kind of fun

Big Fat Rip: does that mean I have to buy even more gifts?

Waffle Muncher: just one more gift

Pigtails: This is exciting! I’m in!

Waffle Muncher: See Pidge, Romelle likes the idea

Goddess: I’m in too. I hope I get Keith, I’m gonna buy him a giant rainbow dildo

The Bakery: and if I get you I’m gonna find a rock and paint it black so it looks like coal

Goddess: crafty. I like it

Valid: Pidge, are you in?

Big Fat Rip: Fine.

Big Fat Rip: I hope I won’t regret this

Waffle muncher: awesome

Waffle muncher: hunk and I will write the names up and put them in a container. You guys can come over and draw a name whenever you want.

Goddess: I like it

Oprah: is there a price limit?

Valid: does $20 seem fair?

The bakery: works for me

Oprah: Okay Yeah That works

———————————————————

[2:08pm] Keith >> Can I please get a waffle 

The Bakery: well mine’s gonna be a piece of cake

Oprah: same

Goddess: same

Valid: I’m drawing blanks. I dunno what to get for my person

Waffle Muncher: I have too many ideas. All of which are bad

Big Fat Rip: I NEED HELP

———————————————————

[2:10pm] Pidge >> Allura

Pidge: help what does romelle like?

Allura: you have come to the right place my friend

Allura: she’s super into all of that spiritual/witchy wellbeing stuff

Allura: crystals, horoscopes, candles, plants

Pidge: Okay That shouldn’t be hard then

Allura: you could literally go find a rock and she’d be like “wow! This is so powerful!”

Allura: she’s a real doofus 

Pidge: I love Romelle she’s so cute

Allura: I know right she’s my fav

Pidge: who’d you get by the way?

Allura: Lance

Pidge: just get him a framed picture of Keith

Allura: HAHAHAHAHAHAHH

———————————————————

[2:15pm] Hunk >> Keith

James Bond: Do you have any idea what Shiro might like

Jason Bourne: Okay Yeah let me think

Jason Bourne: He wants a pet fish

James Bond: .. are you.. kidding?

Jason Bourne: no im completely serious you’d make his entire year if you bought him a fish

James Bond: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WRAP A FISH KEITH?

Jason Bourne: you make a fair point

Jason Bourne: put it in one of those gift bag things

James Bond: That will not work

Jason Bourne: I don’t know but I do know if you can make it work he would love you forever 

James Bond: fine I’ll look into it

James Bond: if that doesn’t work are there any back up ideas

Jason Bourne: He likes comic books

James Bond: Okay

James Bond: I will try for the fish but if it doesn’t work he’s getting comic books

Jason Bourne: if you do get the fish I’m gonna laugh

James Bond: :|

James Bond: I have a feeling you got Pidge. Am I correct?

Jason Bourne: Brilliant work detective

James Bond: what’re you going to get her?

Jason Bourne: I’m gonna go catch her a Sasquatch 

James Bond: Hahahah she’d love that

James Bond: I don’t think she’s allowed pets in her dorm though

Jason Bourne: crap

Jason Bourne: Then I’ll just have to think of something else

James Bond: well good luck with that. Let me know if you need any help

Jason Bourne: will do

———————————————————

[3:23pm] Shiro >> Matt

Senpai: we’re doing secret santa and guess who I got?

Matthew: I honestly don’t even know dude you’re gonna have to tell me

Senpai: name starts with an A and ends with a LLURA

Matthew: I see I see

Matthew: And I’m guessing you want me to help you come up with the worst gift ever?

Senpai: you guessed right

Senpai: put your thinking hat on son because we only have like 6 days

Matthew: okay give me a couple hours

Matthew: I wanna really think about it

Matthew: cause you need to get her something that’s going to ruin her Christmas

Senpai: that’s what best friends are for

Matthew: exactly. what else would they be useful for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wasn’t sure if secret Santa is like an universal thing or not but I just went with it. Also, there’s a couple of time jumps in this chapter so sorry if that’s confusing😅
> 
> Anyway thanks again for the support and hopefully the next chapter will be up within a week :)


	8. Late night shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re not my dad: why is everyone still awake?
> 
> You’re not my dad: did I forget to read you your bedtime story?
> 
> Trash Mouth: I read lochness monster x reader erotica before bed. That’s my bedtime story 
> 
> Slut: I really hope that’s not true 
> 
> Trash Mouth: it is
> 
> Trash Mouth: Keith’s the author

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a big fat disaster but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t enjoy writing it

[8:56pm] Romelle >> I SAID A HEALTHY SNACK REBECCA

Pigtails: hajaOSKSISHISSJSBSBSVBS

Pigtails: FOR FUCK SAKE

Goddess: FUCKING HELP

Goddess: PLEASE SOMEONE HELP OR IM ACTUALLY GOIN TO START CRYINGKDJ

Pigtails: IM ALRDY CRYING

Goddess: SHES ALREADY CRYING

Big Fat Rip: WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Goddess: THERES AN EVIL bEAST IN OUR ROOM

Pigtails: DEMON

Pigtails: if someone doesn’t get here with a baseball bat in the next two seconds I’m jumping out the window

Goddess: now I’m actually crying 

Pigtails: NOW SGES ACTUALLY CRYING

Goddess: does anyone have a spare bed I can’t stay here

Pigtails: two spare beds 

Pigtails: unless I’ve already jumped out the window!!

Valid: I don’t understand what’s happening

Goddess: ROACH

Goddess: I’m not fucking around anymore

Goddess: I’m leaving

Valid: I’ll come and kill it just give me a minute to get over there

Goddess: WE DONT HAVE A MINUTE 

Goddess: ITS FLYINGGGG!!!!!

Goddess: Romelles having a heart attack

Goddess: WOMAN DOWN

Big Fat Rip: GROSSS

Big Fat Rip: my heart goes out to you both

Goddess: thank you Pidge

Goddess: Hunk’s here!

Goddess: Hunk just smacked it with a flip flop

Big Fat Rip: HIT IT AGAIN

Goddess: he hit it again seven times and flushed it down the toilet

Big Fat Rip: Thank god

Goddess: Romelle is inconsolable 

Goddess: She’s crying in hunks arms

Goddess: I’d thinks it’s cute if I wasn’t so close to barfing about the roach

Big Fat Rip: Awwww Romelle :,(

Big Fat Rip: Hunk you’re an angel

Goddess: He is

Goddess: I need to hug him

Romelle changed Hunk’s name to: Hero

Pigtails: It was on my bed, Pidge

Pigtails: I’m never sleeping there again!

Pigtails: actually I think I’m just going to end my life

Big Fat Rip: I wouldn’t blame you

Big Fat Rip: You guys can stay at mine if you want?

Goddess: are you sure?

Goddess: cause I know I come off as one tough bitch but I am NOT going back in there right now

Big Fat Rip: yeah I’m sure

Big Fat Rip: just don’t bring any roaches with you

Big Fat Rip: otherwise I will not hesitate to push both of you over while I run for my life

Pigtails: I would do the same if I got the chance

Goddess: me too tbh

Goddess: Honestly thank you so much Pidge you’re the best 

Big Fat Rip: I know this

Big Fat Rip: I know y’all were just harassed by a little demon with six legs but I’m actually looking forward to this sleepover 

Pigtails: ....

Pigtails: GURLS NIGHT

Goddess: OH MY GOD YOURE RIGHT

Goddess: I’m bringing a fucking slumber party kit

Big Fat Rip: oh no what’s in the slumber party kit?

Goddess: I dunno I’m putting it together now 

Goddess: hey where are da bois?

Goddess: Apart from Hunk obviously because he is here because he is Best boi!

Hero: awww thanks Allura

Pigtails: no

Pigtails: thank YOU

Hero: :D

Hero: I know Lance was studying for his Astro test when I left

Hero: Keith’s in the same class so I’m guessing that’s what he’s doing too

Hero: Shiro’s disappearance is a mystery

Big Fat Rip: bit past Lance’s bedtime isn’t it?

Pigtails: I believe there is no bedtime the night before a test

Goddess: yeah there is

Goddess: it’s an hour earlier than every other night cause fuck tests

Goddess: and more Importantly...

Goddess: fuck cockroaches 

Pigtails: I can get on board with that

Big Fat Rip: why would you wanna fuck a roach?

Allura Altea removed Pidge Holt from the group

Goddess: CURSED IMAGE

Allura Altea added Pidge Holt

Allura changed Pidge’s name to: trash mouth

Trash mouth: HEY NOW YOURE AN ALL STAR GET THE SHOW ON GET PAID

Hero: THATS SMASH MOUTH NOT TRASH MOUTH

Trash mouth: same shit different smell 

Trash mouth: Alluras not allowed to stay over anymore cause she removed me from the group

Goddess: YOU SAID SOMETHING GROSS

Goddess: I won’t stand for that kind of behaviour young lady

Trash mouth: mama?

Goddess: baby girl?

Pigtails: this is a different kind of gross 

Hero: agreed

Pigtails: Pidgey were on our way

Trash Mouth: yay

———————————————————-

[11:17pm] Keith >> I SAID A HEALTHY SNACK REBECCA

The Bakery: Wow I cant believe you sissy’s made hunk walk all the way over to your room just to kill one of God’s creations

Pidge changed Keith’s name to: FuckOff

Goddess: No god of mine would ever create such vile beasts

Pigtails: all insects spawn from hell

Pigtails: except for butterflies cause they’re pretty

Goddess: and we didn’t make Hunk do anything. He decided to come and help us because he’s actually a nice person

FuckOff: what about the dragon flies?

FuckOff: dragon flies are cool

Trash Mouth: Dragon flies are TERRIFYING they’re so BIG

Pigtails: SPAWNS OF SATAN

FuckOff: They are peaceful creatures

FuckOff: And they like mini dragon and fly hybrids

FuckOff: hence the name 

Pigtails: Keith is very defensive about the dragon flies

Goddess: He protecc 

Goddess: He attacc 

Goddess: But most Importantly

Goddess: He used to live in the outbacc 

Trash Mouth: HE WHAT???

FuckOff: NO

Trash Mouth: it rhymes so it has to be true

Goddess: that’s right kiddos 

Goddess: Keith’s a Pumpkin Fucker

FuckOff: First of all, I’m pretty sure they Don’t grow pumpkins in Texas 

FuckOff: second, I’ve never put my dick in any vegetable 

FuckOff: third, Allura is dead to me

Goddess: Old news 

Goddess: what HAVE you put your dick in?

Waffle Muncher: if he’s from Texas then probably a close relative

FuckOff: BLUUURRGGHHHH

Trash Mouth: YOURE ON THIN FUCKNG ICE MCCLAIN

Trash Mouth: I WILL NOT HESITATE TO REMOVE YOU

Goddess: brb gonna go barf

Trash Mouth: romelle looks like she’s having an aneurysm 

Waffle Muncher: I apologise for my comment 

Waffle Muncher: that was nasty 

Pigtails: what’s everyone saying? I can’t read I’m permanently blind now

Goddess: I cannot see I’m legally blind

Waffle Muncher: P-O-P hold it Down

FuckOff: The sad part is I don’t even have any close relatives..

Waffle Muncher: aww no now I feel bad :(

FuckOff: you should 

FuckOff: you made me throw up

Waffle Muncher: well just know that I’m always there if you need to put your dick in something!

Trash Mouth: ...

Goddess: :0

FuckOff: I’m sorry...

FuckOff: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

Lance McClain has left the group 

Trash Mouth: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAH

Trash Mouth: OH MY GOD

Goddess: WHAT

Goddess: MY BOY IS GOING BIG OR HE IS GOING HOME

Pigtails: oh no I’m blind again

Big Fat Rip: My genitals are crying in fear

Goddess: where’d Keith go? 

Trash Mouth: I think he just flat out died

Pigtails: guess you could say he’s YEEd his last HAW

Trash Mouth: HAHHAAHHA GOOD ONE ROMELLE

Goddess: FAHSHDJSVSHSBSH

Goddess: This is the comedy police. The jokes too funny!

Pigtails: IM NOT GOING BACK TO PRISON

Trash Mouth: this has been the most entertaining night of my life

———————————————————

[11:35pm] Keith >> Lance

Keith: Chill out dude

Keith: I know you were joking

Lance: Oh. Right

Lance: hahah yeah I was joking..

Keith: Of course you were

Keith: Who in their right mind would want someone to put a dick in them anyway

Lance: ..?

Lance: -_-

Lance: need I explain?

Keith: No

Keith: I recognise my mistake

———————————————————

[11:41pm] Keith >> I SAID A HEALTHY SNACK REBECCA

Keith Kogane added Lance McClain

Allura changed Lance’s name to: slut

Slut: shamed 

———————————————————

[12:56pm] Shiro >> I SAID A HEALTHY SNACK REBECCA

Oprah: WHAT UP SLUTS

Slut: Dad said a bad word!!!

Trash Mouth: THATS NOT DAD

Lance changed Shiro’s name to: You’re not my dad

You’re not my dad: My bad

You’re not my dad: Hello my lovely children

Trash Mouth: FUCK OFF MATT

You’re not my dad: Who’s Matt?

You’re not my dad: I am but a humble Takashi Shirogane

Slut: well I’m convinced 

Goddess: If you really are Shiro you’ll agree that Matt is a big fat loser

You’re not my dad: No I wouldn’t

You’re not my dad: Matt is the coolest dude I’ve ever met. He makes all the boys and girls go owoooo

Slut: owooo?

You’re not my dad: That’s just what they say

You’re not my dad: speaking of Matt 

You’re not my dad: I think we should invite him into the group

Trash mouth: HAHAHAHAHA NOPE

You’re not my dad: too bad. I’m the dad here and what I say goes

Takashi Shirogane added Matt Holt

Matt: Oh hello there 

Goddess: Matt you can’t just add yourself into the group!!!

Matt: it wasn’t me it was Shiro

You’re not my dad: Yes it is I, Shiro.

Pigtails: MATT STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF

You’re not my dad: why is everyone still awake?

You’re not my dad: did I forget to read you your bedtime story?

Trash Mouth: I read lochness monster x reader erotica before bed. That’s my bedtime story 

Slut: I really hope that’s not true 

Trash Mouth: it is

Trash Mouth: Keith’s the author 

Slut: hahahaha

Slut: wtf does Keith know about erotica?

Trash Mouth: more than you I’m sure

Trash Mouth: 20 year old virgin

Slut: IM

Slut: not a virgin

Trash Mouth: serious question

Trash Mouth: who here has lost their v card?

Pigtails: everyone else seems reluctant so I will break the ice by saying I have not

Pigtails: and I am okay with that

Trash Mouth: and so you should be 

Trash Mouth: I, Of course, have not

Goddess: I have

Goddess: it’s honestly not really all it builds up to be

Matt: I have :D

Trash Mouth: lies

Matt: :(

Matt: Shiro has ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Goddess: How do you know that?

Matt: I know things

Allura changed Matt’s name to: He knows

He knows: He do

Slut: I know for a fact that Hunk has not

Slut: he would’ve told me

Trash Mouth: and Lance hasn’t because he would have screamed it from the rooftop

Slut: pfft

Matt: Keith has

Matt: he told me

Matt: he lost his virginity to a raccoon

Goddess: this does not surprise

Pigtails: I’m reluctant to say that it doesn’t surprise me either 

Pigtails: I would believe any story when Keith’s involved

Pigtails: boy does some wild stuff

Trash Mouth: I would believe any story where Matt tries to put his dik in something

Goddess: I believe any story that ends in Lance crying

Slut: I believe any story that ends in Allura giving up her life to save all realities

Trash Mouth: #TooSoon

———————————————————

[6:15am] Keith >> Shiro

Kevth: Did you stay over Matt’s last night?

Shvro: Yeah 

Kevth: why?

Shvro: What are you nagging me for?

Kevth: your lack of answer implies you’re keeping secrets

Shvro: oh really?

Kevth: Yeah. Really.

Shvro: well maybe I am

Shvro: I dont have to tell you everything

Kevth: well if you don’t I’m going to assume all kinds of things

Shvro: fine by me

Kevth: NO SHIRO TELL ME

Kevth: PLEASEEEEEEE

———————————————————

[6:38am] Keith >> I SAID A HEALTHY SNACK REBECCA

FuckOff: I never had sex with a raccoon

FuckOff: Matt tells lies

Trash Mouth: sure thing cowboy

You’re not my dad: sorry guys Matt stole my phone last night

Trash Mouth: yeah no shit Sherlock 

Slut: whaaa?

Slut: I can’t believe it

Slut: I was convinced that was you???

Fuck Off: wtf

Fuck Off: you two were literally messaging the group at 2 this morning 

Fuck Off: how are you alive

Trash Mouth: The power of the gey 

Trash Mouth: it’s common knowledge that Lesbians don’t sleep

Slut: hello yes I am not lesbian

Fuck Off: are you sure about that?

Pigtails: you like girls, Lance?

Slut: yes

Pigtails: well that makes you a lesbian

Fuck Off: Romelle you were on the chat This morning too WGAT ARR YOU DOING

Pigtails: What am I doing? What are you doing? Getting all up in my business.

Pigtails: get off my case maaan

FuckOff: :0

Trash Mouth: Romelle is out here laying down The Law

Pigtails: you know it

FuckOff: Hey romelle?

Pigtails: yes Keith 

FuckOff: why don’t you just go ahead and read my username 

Slut: ooft 

Trash Mouth: Now Keith out here laying down The Law

Pigtails: That won’t stop me cause I can’t read

Trash Mouth: I can’t believe I’m sitting here watching a gay cowboy fight a cinnamon roll

Slut: and somehow the cinnamon roll is winning

Pigtails: I have the power of only two hours sleep behind me. It fuels my rage

Trash Mouth: weak

Trash Mouth: Nothing fuels rage better than 20 years of abandonment issues

Slut: so this is why Keith is always ANGRY

FuckOff: yes

Pigtails: honestly come at me, Keith

FuckOff: 8am, Starbucks parking lot, be there or be square

Pigtails: can’t wait

Pigtails: I’m bringing a shiv

FuckOff: that’s cute

FuckOff: I’m bringing 12

Pigtails: literally how?

FuckOff: I have at least 8 shiv’s on my person at all times

You’re not my dad: he does

Slut: I wanna watch

FuckOff: Who wouldn’t want to watch a man fight a chicken shit

Pigtails: oh you’re on boy

FuckOff: can’t wait

Slut: in other news

Slut: how’s everyone’s secret Santa shopping going?

Pigtails: I’m all done with mine

Pigtails: and if my gift receiver doesn’t like it I will kill myself

Slut: very nice

Trash Mouth: I’m all doneso too

You’re not my dad: I finished shopping yesterday :)

FuckOff: done

Goddess: mine was easy peasy lemon squeezy 

Slut: mine was difficult difficult lemon difficult

Slut: and I know Hunk’s getting his today so we should all be ready to exchange them tomorrow?

FuckOff: if this test today doesn’t kill me

Goddess: easy

Trash Mouth: I am ready

Hero: I will be there

———————————————————

[6:57am] Keith >> Hunk

Jason Bourne: are you getting him the fish?

James Bond: yes I am

James Bond: And If he doesn’t like it you’re keeping it

Jason Bourne: He’ll like it, trust me!

James Bond: I hope so

———————————————————-

[6:59am] Lance >> I SAID A HEALTHY SNACK REBECCA

Slut: Sure you may be verified on Twitter. But are you verified 

Slut: In the eyes of god?

Pidge changed the group name to: verified in the eyes of god

Goddess: yo you guys wanna have a Christmas party at mine and Romelle’s dorm tomorrow night?

Goddess: I know it’s late notice but we can get that organised if you wanna

Goddess: and then we can exchange gifts there and stuff

Smash Mouth: you already know this cause I’m sitting right next to you but yes

Hero: omg yes guys that sounds awesome!

Hero: I am more than happy to help out with preparations

Slut: same I can help out after my test

FuckOff: I’ll come and help too if you want

Goddess: okay yes you guys are the best 

Goddess: and if you need me to buy you alcohol cause you’re babies I can do that too

Slut: oooooft how fucked up can we get?

Goddess: Majorly

Slut: Okay I’m down

Goddess: YEAH THE LANCE

Goddess: you gonna go shot for shot with me?

Slut: fucking okay

Goddess: Keith you’re getting fucked too

FuckOff: why me?

FuckOff: Not that I’m disagreeing

Goddess: cause I know that’s the only way to get you to agree to absolutely anything and there’s a couple things I want you to do for me

FuckOff: I’m not going that boxing class with you

Goddess: You’ll come around

Goddess: they always do

FuckOff: Nah

FuckOff: anyway I gotta go do a test bye

Slut: oh crap same

Goddess: Later nerds

Hero: what’s this about a Boxing class?

Goddess: I’ve been trying to get Keith to do boxing with me for months

Goddess: he always says no but if I get him Schwasty he’ll agree

Hero: why don’t you just ask Shiro if he’ll do it with you?

Goddess: Shiro is too busy

Goddess: and I’d ask you guys but it’s an over 21’s class for some reason

Goddess: and you’re all 12 year olds

Trash Mouth: why over 21’s? Do you snort coke there or something?

Goddess: I honestly don’t know

Hero: Coke is still illegal when you turn 21 Pidge 

Trash Mouth: sounds suss 

Goddess: That’s what Keith said!

Goddess: I think it’ll be fun

Pigtails: I would definitely go with you if I was old enough

Goddess: I know this and I love you

Goddess: as soon as you turn 21 we’re signing you up!

Pigtails: yay!

———————————————————-

[7:45am] Allura >> verified in the eyes of god

Goddess: okay ya girls are going to the shops to get stuff

Hero: can I come? I was gonna go get my secret santa present anyway 

Goddess: yes yes

Goddess: then those other two losers can meet us after their test

———————————————————

[3:38pm] Romelle >> Verified in the eyes of god

Pigtails: preparations are in place and I am excited

Hero: me too I’m just excited to see everyone together again

Slut: sames 

You’re not my dad: we’re all going to die tomorrow

———————————————————

[3:46pm] Lance >> Shiro

Bisexual #3: oh my god Shiro I bought your little brother way too many presents for secret Santa

You are my dad: Damn it, Lance I told you to restrain yourself

You are my dad: can you take some back?

Bisexual #3: No I want him to have all of them

You are my dad: that’s really sweet, Lance, but he’ll feel bad that you bought him so much stuff

You are my dad: at least try and take some back 

Bisexual #3: Okay I’ll try

Bisexual #3: but if he doesn’t like the presents I keep I’m going to accidentally deliver the rest to his dorm 

You are my dad: LANCE

Bisexual #3: okay cool nice chat, Dad

Bisexual #3 boogiewoogiewoogie :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys hope everyone had/is having a nice Christmas! And if you didn’t I hope this terrible chapter helps!
> 
> Also, I’m looking for good Voltron fics to read cause now the shows over and I have nothing to do with my life. So if you have any recommendations I’d really appreciate it if you comment them below:)
> 
> As always thank you for the ongoing support. Your lovely comments always make me smile!! <3


	9. 2 (10) shots of vodka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allura Altea removed Keith Kogane
> 
> Goddess: he had too much power
> 
> Trash Mouth: Ultimate Big Dick Energy
> 
> Goddess: I will use my Big Dick for good deeds
> 
> Goddess: Pidge apologise to Lance
> 
> Trash Mouth: Lance I’m sorry you’re a dumbass
> 
> Trash Mouth: much wuv hugs and kisses <3
> 
> Allura Altea removed Pidge Holt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year my friends!
> 
> Lance: slut  
> Pidge: Trash Mouth  
> Keith: FuckOff  
> Shiro: You’re not my dad  
> Allura: Goddess  
> Hunk: Hero  
> Matt: He knows  
> Romelle: Pigtails

[4:48pm] Pidge >> boutta drink this vodka down the hatch

Trash Mouth: LIT Lit lit lit lit

Hero: what are you doing?

Trash Mouth: this is the only way to express my excitement

FuckOff: well in that case...

FuckOff: lit lit lit lit lit

Goddess: lit lit lit lit lit lit lit

Slut: LIIIIIIIITTTT

Hero: L LIT LIT LIITT LIT LITTTTTT

He knows: lit 

You’re not my dad: dab

FuckOff: GET THAT SHIT OUTTA MY GROUP CHAT

You’re not my dad: DAB dab dab dab DAAB DAB DABBB

Trash Mouth: I’m calling it. One dab is equal to 29283838 lits

Slut: wow Shiro’s very excited

Pigtails: YEEEEET

Trash Mouth: yyeeet y yeeet yeeety yeeet

Slut: lit dab dab dab lit dab yeet dab fuckyouKeith yeet lit dab yeet

FuckOff: yeet yote yate.. Lance, I’ll hit you with a dinner plate

Slut: dab cab fab Keith looks like someone I’d want to stab

Trash Mouth: Lit bit fit would both of you cut the shit?

Goddess: y’all should just come over now

Goddess: everything’s ready and we’re just sitting around

Pigtails: yes come over we’re bored

FuckOff: Yeah Okay I’m bored too

He knows: I’m on my way

Hero: DRIVING AT 90

Trash Mouth: DOWN THOSE COUTRY LANES

Slut: SINGING TO TINY DANCER

Pigtails: AND I MISS THE WAAAAY

Hero: YOU MAKE

Slut: ME FEEL

He knows: I feel I’ve made a terrible mistake

You’re not my dad: you have

Trash Mouth: ITS REAL

Pigtails: WE WATCHED THE SUN SET

He knows: OVER THE CASTLE ON TGE HILL

Hero: good work team

Pigtails: Tonight’s gonna be fun I’m so! excited!

———————————————————-

[10:15am] Keith >> boutta drink this vodka down the hatch

FuckOff: Aaah stop. Words. Loud. stop talking.

Slut: Okay we’ll talk on here 

Slut: what the Fuc happened last night 

Hero: do you want it in order of how things happened?

Slut: yeah okay

Goddess: screen so bright

Goddess: blind

Hero: okay so

Hero: 1 shot in: Lance and Keith argue about the pros and cons of owning a vacuum cleaner

Pigtails: What is there to even argue about?

Hero: A lot apparently 

Hero: 2 shots in: Matt challenges Shiro to an arm wrestling match, Matt loses. Matt challenges Pidge to an arm wrestling match, Matt loses.

Trash Mouth: I am the superior sibling

Hero: 3 shots in: Romelle declares that she will not take any more shots... Instantly pours herself another shot. Also, Pidge is on the floor.

Slut: Go Romelle!

Romelle: I regret everything

He knows: R.i.p Pidge 

Hero: 4 drinks in: Romelle warns about the dangers of taking the fourth shot and drunkenly makes everyone margaritas. Allura and Keith have a wrestling match on the floor that pretty much ends in the two of them cuddling. Keith agrees to go to those boxing classes with Allura.

FuckOff: Damn it. 4 drink Keith is a traitor.

Goddess: 4 drink Keith is a good cuddler 

Hero: There’s more. Lance tries to do a cartwheel and nearly breaks his neck, Shiro pours some vodka for his new fish, Pidge gets off the floor only to fall down again (she didn’t even have a fourth drink), Matt wants to perform CPR on the fish but realises that’s more likely to kill it than all the vodka Shiro poured into the tank.

Trash Mouth: I’m staring at the fish now and somehow it’s still alive?

You’re not my dad: She’s got heart 

Hero: 5 drinks in: Romelle stops drinking, Lance drops a closed packet of Doritos on the floor and cries, Keith flawlessly raps every single lyric to twenty one pilots’ ‘levitate’, Shiro challenges matt to another arm wrestling contest... Matt loses, Allura walks into Shiro and falls over.

Goddess: Twenty one pilots was playing? And I missed it?

You’re not my dad: No you were recording Keith. I remember that

Slut: Allura, I wanna see that recording

Goddess: I will try and find it

FuckOff: I would die for Tyler Joseph

Slut: Shiro is literally a brick wall

Hero: 6 drinks in: Keith bets Lance $5 that he won’t eat an entire lemon... Keith owes Lance $5, Allura thinks her bed is a trampoline, Pidge gets off the floor and talks Keith into flying to Antarctica to look for yetis, Shiro and Romelle reenact the scene from the titanic where they’re on the front of the boat, Matt has an entire conversation with Lance in which Lance only speaks Spanish and no one knows what he’s talking about.

Slut: 90% of the time I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about

FuckOff: I don’t have $5

Hero: 7 drinks in: Keith gives Shiro a 10 minute hug and thanks him for ‘being the only person who ever believed in me.’, Shiro cries, Lance does the single ladies dance to Beyoncé’s ‘Halo’. Doesn’t understand why his dancing is so off beat, Allura does 10 and a half roley poleys, Romelle downs a whole bottle of water and then another shot, Matt tries to stop Shiro from crying

You’re not my dad: I honestly don’t remember anything from here onward

He know: What happened to the other half of the roley poley?

He know: Also, Romelle had more shots than anyone?

Trash Mouth: Hahhahahahga Lance you done messed up

Slut: Beyoncé I’ve dissapointed you

Hero: 8 drinks in: Matt initiates a game of truth or dare. Allura does the splits, Shiro eat’s a slice of pineapple pizza, Lance carries condoms in his wallet and apparently Pidge didn’t sleep for 46 hours one time.

Pigtails: Pidge HOW?

Trash Mouth: Energy drinks

Hero: 9-11 drinks in: Shiro, Matt and Romelle stop drinking, Shiro sits on Matt’s lap on the couch and somehow doesn’t break his legs, Pidge vs Allura in Mario cart, Keith eats six slices of pizza and then remembers he’s lactose intolerant, Lance tells Romelle that she should marry me and have 6 and a half kids, Allura and Romelle sing along to piano man, Lance solo’s fergalicious.

Pigtails: I’ll marry you hunk

Hero: Sweet

FuckOff: So that’s why I feel like I’m dying

You’re not my dad: I don’t think that’s the only reason, Keith

Hero: 12 drinks in: Allura, Lance and Keith agree to end things with the 12th drink. Allura comes last in 7 consecutive games of Mario cart. Matt miraculously comes first in a game of Mario cart. Lance cries because “no one will ever love me!”, Keith drags himself across the floor so he can give Lance a hug and then just stays there for like 40 minutes.

Slut: aawwwww Keith!

Trash Mouth: LANCE I LOVE YOU

Slut: LOVE YOU TOO PIDGEY

Hero: and that’s about it.

Slut: Okay but why did I wake up in Allura’s bed with Keith starfishing on top of me?

Hero: Allura felt sick after drinking so much so Romelle let her stay in her bed so she could look after her, Matt and Shiro fell asleep on the couch so you couldn’t sleep there anymore and the rest of us agreed that Keith should go on the bed cause he was GONE and then you just climbed in with him.

Trash Mouth: Keith you were fucked

Trash Mouth: I remember the end of the night perfectly and I’m pretty sure I saw your soul leave your body

Goddess: What soul?

FuckOff: Why did I die but Allura and Lance didn’t?

Goddess: Don’t worry Keith, I’m pretty close to death right now 

Slut: Probably cause you’re a short ass. The alcohol had nowhere to go.

FuckOff: I guess that makes sense

FuckOff: I vote we all be quiet now until my head stops hurting

Pigtails: I vote breakfast

Hero: Same I’m starving

Trash Mouth: We can go to maccas

Slut: You guys go. I can’t move.

You’re not my dad: We’ll bring some stuff back

Slut: Thank you!!

———————————————————

[11:01am] Hunk >> boutta drink this vodka down the hatch 

Hero: I just asked a mcdonalds employee for 14 hash browns and he didn’t even blink. 

Hero: he was just like “yeah okay”

Goddess: I stan one (1) mcdonalds employee

Hero: Lance works at McDonald’s 

Goddess: I stan (1) McDonald’s employee

Trash Mouth: lol

You’re not my dad: is everyone still alive over there?

Goddess: I think so

Goddess: Lance pushed Keith off the bed cause he was ‘taking up too much room’ so now Lance is spread out on my bed and Keith is sleeping on the floor.

Goddess: and Matt’s playing Mario cart again

You’re not my dad: what is it with him and that game?

Trash Mouth: I stan one (1) Lance McClain

He knows: Keith did not give one single fuck

He knows: he just pulled his blanket tighter and went back to sleep

Pigtails: mood

Pigtails: our carpet is actually super nice though

Pigtails: it’s probably more comfortable on the floor

He knows: I just asked Keith if he was comfortable and he said “Carpet soft”

Pigtails: told you

You’re not my dad: I’d rather sleep on the floor than sleep on Matthew’s mattress

He knows: FUCK OFF SHIRO

Trash Mouth: why were you sleeping on Matt’s bed?

You’re not my dad: cause that’s what normal people do when they sleep over a friends house

Goddess: MATT JYST WINKED AT ME OH MY GOD

Trash Mouth: WHATd YOU TWO DO?!

You’re not my dad: MATTHEW DONT YOU DARE

You’re not my dad: I WILL KILL YOU

He knows: but then you’d be a widow  
;)

Trash Mouth: whaaaaa?

He knows: YO GUYS SHIRO HAS A NICE DICK

You’re not my dad: MATT MY LITTLE BROTHER IS IN THIS CHAT

He knows: whoopsies

He knows: HEY KEITH SHIRO HAS A NICE DICK

You’re not my dad: HEY PIDGE MATT CRIES DURING SEX

Trash Mouth: AGAHAHAHAHHAHA

Trash Mouth: also I’m throwing up

Goddess: HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN HAPPENING RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE??

He knows: like a week

Goddess: [pikachu.gif]

He knows: Shiro didn’t want me to tell anyone but too bad

You’re not my dad: I’m breaking up with you

He knows: oh nooooo

He knows: Lance was just like “why is Allura bitch slapping Matt?”

He knows: he’s reading the messages now

Trash Mouth: you give him a good smack allura

He knows: get ready my friends

Slut: OH MY FUCKING GOD

Slut: WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?

Slut: also I’m not surprised Shiro has a nice dicc 

Trash Mouth: Matt you’re a lucky boy

Trash Mouth: Shiro I’m so sorry for your loss

Hero: Shiro’s so red lmao

Hero: we’re in the car and he’s just sitting there waiting for Pidge to stop asking him questions

Goddess: YOU GUYS DROVE?

Goddess: SHIRO YOUVE BEEN DRINKING

Hero: He’s fine im pretty sure he’d be under the limit by now

Pigtails: Shiro is driving like a pro

Hero: Romelle keeps touching all the radio/air conditioning/ hazard buttons

Pigtails: In case shiro is over the limit and I have to drive and save us all

Trash Mouth: “if she doesn’t stop I’m going to crash on purpose.” -Takashi Shirogane 2k18

Goddess: MOOD

Goddess: where even are you guys?

Hero: we’re just entering the campus now

Goddess: WHAT? Why’d you leave campus?

Trash Mouth: Cause campus McDonald Hashbrowns are like deep fried turds

He knows: Agreed

Hero: except for when Lance cooks them

Trash Mouth: especially when Lance cooks them

Slut: awww thanks

Slut: WHA

Slut: PIDGE YOU BITCH

He knows: DONT YOU CALL MY SISTER A BITCH YOU BITCH

Slut: WHY DONT YOU COME OVERHERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE

Goddess: Hahahah

Goddess: Matt’s slapping the shit outta Lance

Goddess: Keith’s gone to hide in the bathroom because “bathroom is quiet.”

FuckOff: I hate all of you

Slut: HE LIVES

Trash Mouth: Keith can you believe our brothers are dating

FuckOff: whaaaat?

FuckOff: I fucking KNEW IT

Trash Mouth: how the hell did you know?

FuckOff: Cause Shiro stayed over Matt’s the other night and wouldn’t tell me why

Trash Mouth: :0

Trash Mouth: Keith we’re basically sibs now

FuckOff: rad

Trash Mouth: we’re nearly there by the way

Slut: thank god im starving 

———————————————————

[3:08am] Lance >> Keith

Holt: How’s That hangover going?

Wuntch: woah Lance when did you gain the ability to talk to the deceased?

Holt: that bad huh?

Wuntch: Nah I’ll live

Wuntch: How are you holding up?

Holt: my mouth is drier than the Sahara desert and I have a headache but yeah I’ll live too

Wuntch: drink some water

Holt: I have been but it just feels like I’m eating sand

Wuntch: lol wtf

Holt: Yeah it’s pretty gross

Holt: Man I still cant believe you weren’t even phased by the fact that your brother is going out with Matt

Wuntch: Honestly I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner

Wuntch: Shiros been acting weird for months

Holt: Define weird

Wuntch: “Hey KEitH Do yoU THInk MaTt WOuld lIKE this New shIRt I BougHT??”

Wuntch: “HEy KeiTH hAVe You evER HEaRd OF twO oLd FRienDS BEcomInG mORe thaN FrIEndS?”

Holt: Hahahah

Holt: Okay Yeah That would make it pretty obvious

Wuntch: it was gross

Wuntch: I had to put up with that for months

Holt: I’m sorry for your loss

Wuntch: :,)

Wuntch: Thanks for the presents by the way :D

Holt: That’s Okay! Did you like them?

Wuntch: Of course I did

Wuntch: I’m looking through that astrology book now. It’s actually really well made!

Holt: I’m glad you like it :)

Holt: Do the socks fit?

Wuntch: I havent tried them yet but I’m sure they will

Holt: Okay well if you don’t like something let me know and I can swap it out

Wuntch: Calm down Lance. I really liked all of the 74728372396 presents you got me. You won’t be sending anything back

Holt: Oh Okay cool

Holt: and it was only like...6

Wuntch: 6 is still too many ya dingus

Holt: no amount of gifts is ever to many you dick

Wuntch: Hey! Why am I the dick?

Holt: you’re always the dick

Wuntch: well...

Wuntch: you’re always an asshat

Holt: why thank you kind sir

Wuntch: THAT WASNT A COMPLIMENT

Holt: everything’s a compliment if you want it to be 

Wuntch: ffs I’m gone

Holt: MR KEITHA?

Holt: MR KEITHA?

Holt: OH MY FUCKIN GOD HES FUCKIN DED

———————————————————

[4:59pm] Allura >> Boutta drink this vodka down the hatch 

Goddess: peeps we never changed the group name

Hero: oh no

Hero: I think Lance just killed himself

Trash Mouth: good

Trash Mouth: he’s a fucking pest

Slut: EXCUSE??? ME??

Slut: WHAT the FUCK?!

Trash Mouth: oh no he has been reincarnated as another dumbass

Slut: Pidge I thought we were friends??

Trash Mouth: what gave you that impression?

Slut: I’m just gonna go cry now 

Slut: please excuse me

Goddess: STOP PICKING ON LANCE

FuckOff: yeah it’s not his fault he’s stupid

Slut: :,(

Keith changed the group name to: I’m going to Kermit suicide

Trash Mouth: excuse me who the fuck do you think you are?

FuckOff: get stuffed I do what I want

Hero: Big Dick Energy

FuckOff: :)

Allura Altea removed Keith Kogane

Goddess: he had too much power

Trash Mouth: Ultimate Big Dick Energy

Goddess: I will use my Big Dick for good deeds

Goddess: Pidge apologise to Lance

Trash Mouth: Lance I’m sorry you’re a dumbass

Trash Mouth: much wuv hugs and kisses <3

Allura Altea removed Pidge Holt

Goddess: @lance <3

Allura changed Lance’s name to: king

King: dhsbshsbesvhssb

King: ALLURA xxxx

Goddess: xxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beautiful readers!
> 
> First of all I want to apologise for not responding to your comments yet. I’m unable to comment on my phone again for some reason so I’ll have to log in on my computer and try that. But I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented! I looooove reading all the nice things you have to say!! <3
> 
> Also, updates might be a little bit slower cause I’m super busy right now and don’t have as much time to write but I’ll try my best :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos, comments, etc are always appreciated


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